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Avian Child (Lyric) by Tekara I'm really starting to wonder why,
every time I start to fly,
Something drags me back to ground.
I was born an avian child,
the
winds intrigued, the skies beguiled.
The breezes whispered a quiet sound.
Each night I fly so high in my dreams,
drifting along without a
care it seems,
Till morning comes to drag me down.
Those around me can'
t understand,
as they are bound so firmly to land.
I will forever
be outside them all.
With mantled wings and hooded eyes, I wait,
searching barren skies for a mate,
Never quite finding one to fit.
In
human form, I am forever bound,
never once to leave the ground,
Never with an avian mate.
Forever grounded,
Forever off center,
Not FAIR?.I was meant to fly?.
Up the ladder:
My Dark
Down the ladder:
Flying
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.681818
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.687541 Overall Rank: 12067 Comments:
[n/a]
ifni @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
Wings up! Open skies!
Maybe the problem is the weights that seem to cling to us the more we grow?
the first two stanzas lead in well. the third stumbles on "fly so high in my dreams" as overly cliched and as such unecessary to say in so many words. also, use of "it seems" unnecessarily is, well, unnecessary and feels like it was just put there to fit the rhyme and rhythm. the rest is rather mediocre. I think you have a wonderful start, though.
Enjoyable. Excellent first two stanza's. I found the third weaker overall, I would think about cutting it. Just the last line jarred...I think the "not FAIR" exclamation sounds slightly juvenile. The poem said so much to me until then, that last line seemed to cheapen it. I find the scenario you have built, more than just... unfair...something stronger....cheated? 8.
Smiling...someone after my own heart....looks like the stuff I wrote a LONG time ago! Fly! I am sure you meant to end with! Great line> I was born an avian child, /the winds intrigued, the skies beguiled.
Form and format and puctuation and word choice...well...it needs cleaning up, but time will give you the polish you need...keep writing! 163 view(s)
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