Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	16-Jun-06/11:04 AM
Viole..I read as violin and violence, and Fire...I wonder which you meant. "Silence shatters, blooming from a dark-staved scroll Curving cries encircle this typhoon"...hmmm... I like the delving this asks of the reader...love all the layers. And..with all the rhyming, it would have been easy for this to have gone to crap...but you rhymed all over the place without it getting away from you...the rythm and placement of rhymes worked very well. Good job!
Re: Suicide Dream by Ranger	28-Sep-06/10:21 AM
I am not sure that I required the intro...this piece didn't need 'setting up'. That said...this is a really strong piece on several merits. Word choice was Choice, good flow/rythm (getting better at that, aren't you?!), has a timeless feel to it, classic without being a repetitious example of classic form, held my interest very well, and painted a lovely picture...yes, I said lovely. I has a touch of morbidity, but only a touch that does not dwell concretely there. Fascinating and captivating. Think about submitting this one for publication. A few little fixes here and there may be needed:"To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn" I'd like to see written in a way that encouraged a better flow. To cover- maybe hide you, till the dawn...? I don't know how, but the dashes seem to call for more halting than I feel comfortable with. Also, you use commas and such, but not entirely. I think you could use one here: 'Still, you burn so white' In fact, periods etc would probably be called for since you used>,;'...:) (Hence, the 9 vote) The pieces that seem to come from the distant past, that read as if written in some far-away time and place, seem to be your forte'. True to my own rule, I will vote and comment before I read what others voted and commented... but must admit I am anxious to see others' reactions.
Re: Selkie (An Antique of Lurid Partes - w/Girl on Girl Action!) by ecargo	28-Sep-06/10:03 PM
I have a rule: read first, comment next, vote thirdly, hit submit...then go see what others had to say. I hope, hope, Hope people found this to be of as great a worth as I. It is a gem...an absolute gem. Fantastic. I do think I would have moved "the girl," up to the first line of the last stanza, to help with flow there. Also "till blood did hum" didn't seem to rise to the high caliber this piece called for. That said...This is a fantastic piece. Now I will have to go looking for what else you have lain quill to!
Re: Week End Justification by half.italian	28-Sep-06/10:22 PM
Cool...I would consider changing the 'ears' line...maybe change 'see' to grasp, grab,...I don't know; maybe not...you are in a fog of thought and reacting from an inner, gut level and language here. I would probably use just such a phrase, especially within the context of internal dialog. The first read-through didn't grab me, but after a second, then a third read, it grew on me. I do think it has potential to be more...not by way of excessive wording- but in expounding. I'd like to know more...from point a to point b, etc.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	28-Sep-06/10:40 PM
I am way too exhausted to read anymore tonight...I'll save my vote for later. I'm not sure what this is about, exactly. I think it is painting a picture...of which she is not very fond; and she, very fond are you of. It seems to be that...but then I may later find it is about a thousand other things...I know how you like to lay your layers between layers...nothing for the mind-numb, from you. I will come back to read again and expound upon that which sent my lobes leaping, and that which left me yearning for something more...you deserve nothing less than a thoroughly penetrating look, scathing honesty, and unabashed confessions when you excite the senses to such unmentionably exquisite places.
Re: Colors of Me by MissUnderstood	28-Sep-06/10:54 PM
You followed a rhyming patterned, and I felt it when you deviated from it...may you could find a way of sticking with it through to the end? I also think some commas, instead of period, would work better. That said, I like this. Simple style, but a nice little piece.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	1-Oct-06/3:37 PM
Least favorite line, for me, would have to be 'and lizards leaping like a joyful king." I have no idea why you stuck that in there. After reading all the indecition and comments about this piece, it seems clear you are not done with this, and aren't even sure where you are going, or what you are truly saying here. I am wondering why you didn't stick to the opening theme of you taking her there. Familiar to you, disliked by her. How it is through your eyes, and how it is seen through hers. I think that is where this meant to go...and then it got lost in all the descriptive phrases, along the way. I'll be interested to see where this ends up, in the end.
Re: "Twee" by Ranger	1-Oct-06/4:04 PM
...Then we'll be a couple quite faint. ...Don't expect more than you ain't. LOL... Cute little ditty:)
Re: A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	1-Oct-06/4:14 PM
So I take it all the lust you spoke of in the beginning lines, that he is feeling, has been denied? Then how can he respect you as 'a capable lover'...or are you not, with him, but he knows you are?...how?? The ending lines threw me. And this seems like a detatched person commenting...which seemed kinda creepy and manipulative...but that's just my feeling after reading it. Not sure what you meant with it...maybe just that.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Oct-06/4:26 PM
I thought this was pretty good...a little too wordy and long. I think it could do with some condensing. A few typos...Shadows-curtain's tear-as if in nervous?-take it's bow=its and 'too late'. I'm not sure, but I think laid should be lain. I think you could take this and do better with it, with some added clarity and a change in word choice here and there.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Oct-06/4:32 PM
You paint a good scene here...well not a good scene...but a good portrait of one. I think 'freeze-framed' would work there; and at 'slave-ganged'. The images are palitable, and well-drawn.
Re: portrait of powerlessness by digipoet	11-Jan-07/7:04 PM
I think spelling it out with sadism was too obvious, some other word or earlier phrase to indicate that type of relationship would have been more refined. But perhaps you wanted to be blunt and state the thing that it is...but then you lose the complexity of it and apply a label for it. Hello, everybody, I'm Back:) As per my way, I will vote, post and then go see what you all had to say about this little piece.
Re: portrait of powerlessness by digipoet	11-Jan-07/7:15 PM
I see you, Alchemy have not forgotten the one you were so venomous and combative toward...what, did you miss the sparring? It is rather amusing our scores matched...I am surprised. I do not know this person and this person does not know me. I logged on and searched my name...and at the top of the list was Alchemy mentioning me at this poem. digipoet...it was a nice entrance to find this poem. I disagree with dropping the entire last line. How about Safety, as the last word? something that wraps it all up and binds it together...no pun intended.
Re: The dancers by richa	11-Jan-07/8:29 PM
'in much the same way as they' needed tweaking, in my opinion. Wonderful, magical picture painted here...and so clearly, about an illusive subject. If you were a photographer you would have captured it on film. Very good!
Re: Chord before the crescendo by Caducus	11-Jan-07/8:35 PM
Oh man! Excellent! Sheesh....applause, definitely. Take a bow...this is fantastic... way to go Caducus! This is hitting my favorite folder.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	11-Jan-07/9:05 PM
Hi there....seems you have been as reclusive as I. I'm just back in, as well. I am glad I found something from you upon my return. Now for my honesty... The last line in s4 bugs me and doesn't work entirely. The caliber of the piece calls for something better there. The last line needs changing, IMO. Perhaps 'to die by love's decree', 'my eyes to never see' 'my love to never see' (or 'taste') or simply 'no road back to me' (which would put a rather melancholy note to the end, making one wonder if he truly distains her so and to imply an ever so slight longing and sadness.) You know I love your mind...this is fantastic and it shows your progress with rythm. I am also, as always, enchanted with the olde feel of these pieces. With this I see a more comfortable you going into a little darker place...you did it very well!
Re: Self Portrait by Dovina	11-Jan-07/9:26 PM
I like this... but wonder why you capitalized Potter and His. Perhaps as a reference to God or The creator? If so, then I wonder what/who the painter is? I think, if the God reference was on purpose, I like it without the reference, as it speaks to the differences and sameness of creators of art. But the descriptions are very tactile, but with a God reference it makes the potter and clay so much less tactile and rather illusive. That said, whichever way it is meant to be, it is pretty good and the last two lines very good.
Re: Brackish by <~>	11-Jan-07/9:43 PM
Pretty good. Needs cleaning up.
Re: A Year Later (edited a bit) by Sasha	11-Jan-07/9:56 PM
I like this, but it needs a little cleaning up and seems too repetitive, to me.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Jun-07/9:29 PM
Let me assure you this is not a collection of random, interesting words. I thought the title provided clarity. I realize punctuation would have provided clarity...but I didn't want to use that much of it...so, there. Maybe this will help? If not, oh well:) Lavishly ginger-sprinkled orchid; Sea-green-blue smolder, Gray tempest, raging- Portal to the soul. Midnight-blue rings embrace Stormy, riptide iris. Bruised rose petals Hue blushed, beseeching. Silent hunger, waiting kiss. Ancient calling echoes silent, Falling...…………… Reverberate on the wind. Knowing precision caresses skin. Flesh-scent intoxicating breezes Awaiting imminent, succulent answer.