| Re: The Scout by wilco |
3-Sep-05/7:00 AM |
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"virgin canvas" has no picture, yet a tale unfolds. Also, "scout" as if searching ahead for some group of people - maybe another word. A way it could have gone, and might go.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-05/7:57 AM |
"I think you can find a less overused way of saying "there are birds as far as the eye can see" But I see the picture, and isn't that what matters?
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| Re: Dale by INTRANSIT |
3-Sep-05/9:55 AM |
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What's left? Black russians, that's what. Far super over White, in every way. I've never taught a man to play darts and then have him beat his father. Maybe you need another lesson.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-05/3:57 PM |
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Written as if you're drunk. That's ok, just polish it some later. More poetic and all that.
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| Re: Lessons(revised) by bellafuego |
4-Sep-05/11:18 AM |
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2+2=4 no matter how many times you revise it. The last line, and all but the second, make sense.
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| Re: Powerless Dreamer by Beyond_Dreams |
4-Sep-05/11:33 AM |
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| Re: Untitled by bellafuego |
4-Sep-05/2:44 PM |
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Try again when you're sober.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
4-Sep-05/5:23 PM |
How do you build a wall between me? It takes two to have between.
You couldn't take your words? How does someone not take their words?
Please don't explain to me what you mean. It matters more how you say it.
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| Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac |
6-Sep-05/6:22 AM |
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Some good lines, but as a story, it lacks continuity. The German thing comes too late.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Sep-05/5:14 PM |
Please omit "now" from the second line.
"you're" in line 3.
"act" in line 10.
"deceive" in line 13.
comma after unfortunately.
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| Re: modern death(Debuffeted) by Crakyamuni |
8-Sep-05/12:34 PM |
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"sings" in the last line. "gray" unless you're British. A terrible poem, which doesn't mean it's not good. It's just terrible.
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| Re: Rambling by terbenaw |
8-Sep-05/12:40 PM |
To answer your opening question, I can. Even the Apostle Paul could (Romans 7)
Could omit "My personality is" in verse 2.
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| Re: Moving Out by jessicazee |
10-Sep-05/5:12 AM |
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"a tub" in line 3, then a . at the end, or otherwise fix the grammar. Seems like the last 2 lines should move up.
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| Re: Creation by Quarton |
14-Sep-05/2:50 PM |
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I find little enobling of thoughts on considering the whole thing in this way. not sublime anyway. Maybe some metaphor or speculation, like a blooming flower or something.
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| Re: Leaving Song by wilco |
14-Sep-05/3:13 PM |
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Funny - so incongruent it's funny.
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| Re: Light by Quarton |
21-Sep-05/1:32 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Sep-05/2:06 PM |
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I like the idea, but am off-put by the grammar. A little more conventionality please.
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| Re: my friend beth we wear by jessicazee |
22-Sep-05/2:21 PM |
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In a flow of thought ramble like this, I still think punctuation is good. Or at least put each thought on a separate line.
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| Re: The Last Suburb by unknown |
23-Sep-05/2:07 PM |
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More like a letter than a poem. Try using half as many words.
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| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
23-Sep-05/2:10 PM |
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Very good until the last two verses. Then you seem to shift into another gear. It's like two poems.
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