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modern death(Debuffeted)

Member since 2002 · Posted 6 Sep 2005 · Edited 9 Sep 2005 · 7 comments

The terror of dreaming about self inflicted lust, lashing at the back of my forward distractions, my errors HAcking and skratching on my frontal lobe reaction With I used you for sex today claim her, without a name Your distraction is heaven the shallow tremblings, only sustanence can make me relevant Such a stance is mediocre at birth so I She was born to feed me ill divine will this one will hurt, and she will be the one to forget It sings like a song that was born self aware, drinkings me to death, drinkings me to lifeless with every death we wish her good health

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mean 3.33 weighted 4.80 rank 11132 views 226 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

7 comments

[7] wilco 7-Sep-05/6:51 PM Reply

I've seen you do better and I think you could probably make this quite a bit better if you gave it your full attention. However, not bad as is.

[n/a] Crakyamuni › wilco 8-Sep-05/10:39 AM Reply

Thanks. It's interesting to see , at least in my perception, a parralell to your last submission, "Scout", in this piece o mine. Perhaps New Orleans really has effected us all, no doubt in me. Your comments are always appreciated, I respect your work. I'm not certain what this needs, outside of the obvious hack lines, which scream out in pain. I know nothing of poems, many will agree.

[7] wilco › Crakyamuni 8-Sep-05/12:35 PM Reply

I think it did affect us all...and I'm hesitant to say, but I think its true....on a much larger scale than even 9/11.

This is a better edit, although I did notice that in the last line, you got simgs instead of sings. Also, I'd love a little punctuation (a little pet peeve of mine).

Incidentally, The Scout seemed to strike people funny...I don't think most people really put any thought into it, as most thought that the Scout in the poem was a person...it wasn't. It can probably be interpreted in several ways, but the basic premise is that we fucked up. Be it in the fact that New Orleans was built below sea level, the fact that the levees weren't made like they should've been, that people just went completely apeshit minutes after the hurricane was over or any other number of things....the whole thing is..we fucked up as people.

BTW, none of us know anything of poems...if we did, we would be published and doing this for a living instead of posting on the Ranker.

[7] Dovina 8-Sep-05/12:34 PM Reply

"sings" in the last line. "gray" unless you're British. A terrible poem, which doesn't mean it's not good. It's just terrible.

[7] wilco 8-Sep-05/12:50 PM Reply

mm...I liked the last line better before...

[n/a] Crakyamuni › wilco 9-Sep-05/9:21 PM Reply

Yes New Orleans is a sad reflection on why cartoons need to be re-embraced. We sad heart filled types are getting all Anthropomorphic on our brothers and sisters!? What the hell do cartoons have to do with anything? A schizoid moment. Can I get an assasination attempt? Amen. Tom and Jerry everyone.

[4] Sheeva 15-May-09/10:04 AM Reply

Confusing (VERY)