| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
The Scout (Free verse) by wilco Virgin canvas stretched and torn;
a lonely scout upon the shore.
Arms outstretched to catch the waves
but much too deep to fill the graves.
She wanders, aimless, through the wild
and comes across a forsaken child.
The extraneous journey swiftly ends
as darkness falls and Hell descends.
Footsteps fading from the sand
as the wolves retake the land.
The child she clutches to her chest
as once again we fail the test.
Up the ladder:
Better Off Dead
Down the ladder:
Let your heart roam free
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.285714
Posted: September 2, 2005 5:17 PM PDT; Last modified: September 2, 2005 10:01 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.614723 Overall Rank: 2241 Comments:
[8]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.67
|
3-Sep-05/6:54 AM
|
Reply
-extraneous- good word but it bugs me beat-wise. Something about l-3 and l-4 in the first don't jive.
[n/a]
wilco @ 66.61.101.130
> INTRANSIT
|
3-Sep-05/8:30 AM
|
Reply
You are right about that....I'll have to think on it.
"virgin canvas" has no picture, yet a tale unfolds. Also, "scout" as if searching ahead for some group of people - maybe another word. A way it could have gone, and might go.
I don't really like to explain my writing too much but this is about New Orleans. Everything here has a particular meaning as to what I wanted to get across. Maybe it's not getting across....
I'm sitting at a bar where there's an internet computer sunk into the bar, with a wireless keyboard and mouse. The black russian is sweet under a hot Texasn sun. Subjected to such adversity, do you really expect me to see some cajun hurricane or the end of mankind. No, of course you don't. Mankind sit all around, all girlfriended or wived. And all you can complain about is a few thousand miserble flooded, crushed lives.
I am such a bastard.
also, The Scout is not a person and virgin is used a little loosely here. Just meaning not completely and utterly fucked.
The title doesn't appeal to me, I do like how you used wolves with regards to the hurricane...:) Bethy
sorry
It's interesting to see natures reactions to our debauchery. The image of the wolves retaking the land strikes very poignantly, check out my edit of modern death. It's been changed quite a bit.
Very good. The piece reads easy and with good rhythm. It has a certain poignancy which I liked.
Forgot to mention one minor thing. "as the wolves retake the land." seems slightly out of rhythm and
a possible change might be, "as wolves retake the barren land." Just a thought and the piece is great as is. 294 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
