regarding some deleted poem...	2-Oct-06/4:02 PM
Wow. This is long and funky. I'll have to get back to it.
Re: I've thought a lot by MacFrantic	4-Oct-06/9:39 AM
Yes, I'm hearing you! And seeing through a little more shadow toward what I cannot see. To aim at communication in poetry is to aim too low. To think we know what to aim for is the silliness of a child as seen by an adult. Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
Re: Innocence revisited by Caducus	5-Oct-06/7:36 AM
I read "wasted on from desire" as "wasted on desire." Go figure. And try "virginal body yard." Hey, it beats "vaginal."
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	5-Oct-06/10:08 AM
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do but did all the same." A good take on the story. This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
Re: weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	7-Oct-06/12:37 PM
If you are using commas at line ends, then use them wherever needed, at the end of line 2, for example. The grammar in verse 2 has some problem. After that I stopped counting and just read. I like the way ending thoughts lead to starting thoughts and back to the weather.
Re: love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	7-Oct-06/12:41 PM
No it doesn't
Re: Islands by helenwales	9-Oct-06/4:27 PM
The opening metaphor could work, I think, if you held true to the beginning. But islands that slip, past and future divided, uniqueness to just your lives, dreamed - these things don't seem to work.
Re: Dead Inside by drnick	10-Oct-06/1:38 PM
Punctuation and grammar detract from a good start. It's really all one sentence.
Re: Caveat by MacFrantic	10-Oct-06/1:43 PM
It's the kind of thing that needs a steady rhythm to carry it. Mostly, you've done that, but Verse 2, for example, might go like this or somesuch: Once every morning And twice before bed I empty the old thoughts from my head Always you'll find me Just pacing my room Wandering and wondering About what you think
Re: Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	10-Oct-06/7:20 PM
I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Oct-06/10:18 AM
The opening suggests you know more than you're letting on - wanker (have you been wanked under another name? Rancour (does that make you Bitish?) A poem about poemranker isn't novel, but the fence is and the xy plane. "ref-e-rence" - is that to rhyme with fence? (if so, a cheap shot) Kind of a ramble, isn't it, an interesting style.
Re: To My Love by Lola	11-Oct-06/10:20 AM
I would question whether "no promises" weakens this love, and conflicts with "never-ending."
Re: Figid Rrigid by Hostileintent	11-Oct-06/7:07 PM
Form aside, (what does it matter?)it's a good observation, but what does "punctual" and "newer" have to do with it?
Re: forest morning by fiefofum	11-Oct-06/7:11 PM
an unusual and interesting form, not quite working yet.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	12-Oct-06/3:15 PM
So hypnotic is its rhythm and form that it must be a form besides free verse. Toward the end of reading it, I need no sense or plot, so carried is it with its own device.
Re: weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	12-Oct-06/7:58 PM
The 3-line verse,(verse 4?) would make a stronger beginning, preceending the beginning/end philosophy, I think. Then in the middle it gets a bit wordy, but comes back near the end to the wolf and a surprise ending.
Re: My heart belongs to you by creepshow	13-Oct-06/3:41 PM
Lines like "infinite lies" tell us you have not yet settled upon what you want to say.
Re: Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent	14-Oct-06/10:34 AM
"deed" = "deep"? "known or unknown" is wordy, why not leave it out. Actually, I think "Have you ever travelled / on your own /To some place known" is a good start.
Re: Gilded Lily by drnick	14-Oct-06/10:42 AM
I like the appearance of "Lily" near the end. But why in quotes? The mis-grammar is so consistent that I see it's intentional. By half way through this, I get the style of it, which was confusing at first. I think it's a style that would take either a long poem or a series of poems to make sense of.
Re: Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent	14-Oct-06/10:46 AM
Better in the edit. "some-what" can lose the -