Dovina
replying on This one the love by thepinkbunnyofdoom
27 Apr 2005, 6:23 AM
Then try Victoria's Secret chaffon panties and matching bra. I believe you'll become more attractive.
I will if you will.
This is good, really. But something I just noticed is that all the sentences you write have essentially the same structure. At least, if they don't have the same structure, they sound really similar. Yes, I know here (and in another of your recent ones I just read) you're doing it on purpose. But it doesn't seem to work for me, not the intentional repetition (unaware/aware) nor the unintentional (strings of noun phrases and compound predicates with nary a subject in sight.)
Still, this is good.
Yes, but however true or untrue the love, it always ends in some nightmarish lingerie and candlelight, pleading for some schmuck not to think you pathetic.
Incidentally, I'm posting a poem on the topic. Will you please take a look?
I will bare this in mind as I plan my next poem. I truly believe this is some of the best advice I have been given on this site.
That's actual criticism, buddy. "new" doesn't work in that line; "true" would work better.
Also, yes you can rhyme. But don't try to make the rhyming word fall at the end of the sentence every time. It makes people say things like "Within my poetry I confuse", which sounds like stretching for a rhyme, instead of "I confuse people with my poetry" or "I get confused by my poetry," whichever one you meant. Try to run sentences through the end of lines. You could have said something as simple as
I always decide to use
metaphors to confuse
people, though I understand the meanings I produce.
That's even a triple-word score. The trick to pawning off rhyme on the rhyme-hating public is don't give them an excuse to say the rhyme's cramping your style.
Also, make sure you punctuate like normal sentences. All of these line ends would be periods, except that you're going to change it so it flows across lines.
That comment still exists, on a Dovina poem where it belongs. There was one of those opening-two-reply-boxes-and-then-your-re
You are right that my recent poetry is influenced by the critisism it will innevitably receive. But it is because I dwell on this whilst I write a new poem.
thanks for reading & replying. I have been working very hard writing lately & it's nice to know people respond. Meow.
2nd line...should be "you're" instead of "your". You have so much feeling here...try to relate it to us in real language...pretend like you are telling your best friend how you feel in this poem in real words, instead of trying to "write a poem." Because I think you can. More, please.
I kind of get where you're coming from...but to make it more accessible (without, I think, losing your mysteriousness)...omit the capitalized "Sweet" and "Endeavor" and maybe replace with more concrete sentiment...i.e. colors/places/smells that are real to you...will make your excellent last two lines more meaningful. So close.
Love "darkened yellow". Wished you could stray from "cry" and "high" rhyme scheme, but still was pulled in by beautiful line geometry anyhoo....8.3
Great song lyrics. Do you play an instrument? 9
This poem contains no typos. Please read more diligently before you post a critique.
Aside from some typos, I really, really, really like the first two stanzas. After that, it's like, "I get it. Don't throttle it."
And yours is better...how? Your brilliant recreation is NOT a Villanelle, so comparing the two proves quite difficult!
I merely said I saw how you got that Idea. Not that you were right.
The last line kills it. Happiness is not at the bottom of a bottle.
"will we/they ever see the truth?" is the most overused and senseless line in all of poesy.
That last haiku seems really awkward and out of place with the other two.
No, no, no. Please read what I said. this poem is only one example of a doward trend, apparently caused by over-sensitive reaction to the criticism you have received.