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Self Conscious (Free verse) by Damien Evidently I am feeling self-conscious at the moment
I am peeling my emotions away so I am freely showing
I am not at all going to beg for mercy as I recite my facts
I feel you may attack. At any time you could fight back
I think you should do this but through a poem sounding crazy
I know you will but I think it will be a âcommentâ maybe
I will one day prove that the assumptions I make are of few
I feel this is my purpose, as my message needs you
I see there is no message if it only belongs to myself
I also see I must spread my love through everything else
I realize humans are very hard to get through to
I know this because I am a human just like you
I always decide to use metaphors. Within my poetry I confuse
I, although, can understand the meanings I produce
I do not however speak like this in conversation
I find the words here are a creation from sensation
I use them to embrace the very thought pattern I play
And I will one day decay this negative surface we stay
For I hold a purpose I cannot share in case of doubt
But it is for the best intention of everyone around
Up the ladder:
You're Welcome
Down the ladder:
Councillor Nev
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: N/A
Posted: April 25, 2005 3:29 AM PDT; Last modified: April 26, 2005 1:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.762871 Overall Rank: 11525 Comments:
[n/a]
fevriere @ 62.254.128.4
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25-Apr-05/9:09 AM
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Reply
It's a bit naked. Creation of or from sensation?
Frankly, I think you've gone downhill. Your early poems showed a unique, though debatably inadequate style. Then, after much ridicule, you turned another way - not as good, in my opinion, as what you can make of your original stuff. that original style is workable, I think, but needs refinement, which is the hard part. Receiving inspiration is easy; developing craft is not.
Is it really possible for every poem I produce to be my best quality, no because I have not reached that even when i am on top form.
Did you read what I said?
Yes of course I did: you said you thought my poetry had gone down hill because of some reason or other, but how can that be when it is a single poem.It is impossible for all of my poetry to actually have a meaning let-a-lone make sense. I simply enjoy the flow of rhyming words and "hooks". If I choose to only develop this(not a suggestion) it is entirely up to me. Thanks for the feedback.
No, no, no. Please read what I said. this poem is only one example of a doward trend, apparently caused by over-sensitive reaction to the criticism you have received.
You are right that my recent poetry is influenced by the critisism it will innevitably receive. But it is because I dwell on this whilst I write a new poem.
No one is saying your assumptions aren't new. They're about as new as making up a language with only vowels or wearing a slightly-altered hat for trousers. Why didn't you just say "true" instead?
Will you please stop grabbing extracts from my poetry and some give a conclusion. I know you can offer me good advice, so please do.
That's actual criticism, buddy. "new" doesn't work in that line; "true" would work better.
Also, yes you can rhyme. But don't try to make the rhyming word fall at the end of the sentence every time. It makes people say things like "Within my poetry I confuse", which sounds like stretching for a rhyme, instead of "I confuse people with my poetry" or "I get confused by my poetry," whichever one you meant. Try to run sentences through the end of lines. You could have said something as simple as I always decide to use metaphors to confuse people, though I understand the meanings I produce. That's even a triple-word score. The trick to pawning off rhyme on the rhyme-hating public is don't give them an excuse to say the rhyme's cramping your style. Also, make sure you punctuate like normal sentences. All of these line ends would be periods, except that you're going to change it so it flows across lines.
I will bare this in mind as I plan my next poem. I truly believe this is some of the best advice I have been given on this site.
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