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Panama (Free verse) by Dovina
She grew to languid maturity a snake of humid nature accustomed to wave and sun unaware she was hot He grew to manhood a snake of human flesh accustomed to spontaneity aware she was hot He idolized her gentle Culebra her sensuous Cristobal Port imagined a channel his finest conquest In dreams he tantilized her Miraflores planted seed within her Gatun Lake then withdrew to rest at last in vast Pacific Heaven But she resisted his advances sent mosquitoes out to kill For every yard of her he took she slid upon him rocks and mud Thus she slew his legions thwarted his seduction allowed no man to chattel her quite aware now she was hot But he persevered tried gentler means and finally made his entry which passage she found sweet Now she draws him quite on purpose clothes her naked slopes provocative with vines and flowers inviting his lingering presence With her sides so decorated her waters sweet she returns spontaneity the gift he gave her

Down the ladder: Existential questions

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4035
Posted: April 25, 2005 11:17 AM PDT; Last modified: May 6, 2005 10:59 AM PDT
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Comments:
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.171.241 | 27-Apr-05/6:20 AM | Reply
This is good, really. But something I just noticed is that all the sentences you write have essentially the same structure. At least, if they don't have the same structure, they sound really similar. Yes, I know here (and in another of your recent ones I just read) you're doing it on purpose. But it doesn't seem to work for me, not the intentional repetition (unaware/aware) nor the unintentional (strings of noun phrases and compound predicates with nary a subject in sight.)

Still, this is good.
[n/a] Dovina @ 204.250.12.246 > zodiac | 28-Apr-05/5:15 AM | Reply
The subject of every sentence is either "he" or "she." The phrases following the first line of every verse refer back to the subject. You don't have to like it, but that's the layout.
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.19.76 > Dovina | 29-Apr-05/4:17 AM | Reply
Um, yeah. I said that was the layout, and I didn't like it. It's not ambiguous or anything. I just thought it didn't work.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 204.110.228.254 | 8-May-05/9:09 AM | Reply
dAAmnit girl! Um, this isn't people , is it? I can't wait to get home whee i'll have time to THINK!
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > INTRANSIT | 10-May-05/10:32 AM | Reply
Dad Gum It, man! This is as much people as a beautiful isthums can be, and possibly penetrable with a gentlemanly approach.
[7] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 69.231.20.35 | 14-Jun-05/12:57 AM | Reply
raunchy
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > Bankrupt_Word_Clerk | 14-Jun-05/9:28 AM | Reply
Well, maybe a little. I hope it says more than raunchy though.
[7] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 71.130.59.26 > Dovina | 14-Jun-05/11:17 AM | Reply
that's the trouble.. what images come into my mind aren't always controlled by the poet.. maybe I'm just raunchy. dang.
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