Dovina
replying on Smoky Mountain High by Dovina
14 Jun 2005, 3:53 PM
Your eyes are crossed.
I would tell you to work on this a little more. I have a feeling that with some polishing and a few changes in word choice it could be a better piece. The formating is all jumbled. I would like to see 'stronger' language, since this is about strength, heroes, and such.
I really like this! I do wondered if 'travel' should actually be 'traveled', because you say 'before'. I kind of like that you did not use punctuation, so that there are multiple nuances can be made in the reading of it. I think that that actually may add to this piece, although it wouldn't have hurt anything had you chose to use it, either. I actually gave it a fairly high score, (in my book) because it was clever, and made me stop and pause and reread several times.
Not too bad...I suspect the period after "to feel" was a typo, meant to be a comma. This didn't really move me, I guess because it sounds/reads like a million others.
I have a motto...don't use puncuation at all or at least try to use it correctly. Why have commas, but no periods? Why have capital letters, but not capitalize I? Kewl? Should one take you seriously? Would a read over before you hit submit be asking too much? (Atleast) This piece is "Lame"...
This made me feel ill...it was repulsive to me, even though I am not entirely sure of what you are portraying here....and I have a feeling I don't want to know. I suspect "eyes"...in, "the camera eyes" means the camera eye IS, if so, it should be: "the camera eye's for all"....so on.
I like the first 5 lines. Then it gets too much caught up in form and etherial meaninglessness.
i wonder at the choice of name, especially since the 'realitiies rage' opening conjures up Joseph Campbell and his 'Power of Myth'
I see them now. With line spacing the way it is those rhymes don't add much to the flow.
lightly-nightly
repair-stare
Hm, indeed mostly suggestions of rhyming, a loose alliteration.
On second view the poem's not improving...
that's the trouble.. what images come into my mind aren't always controlled by the poet.. maybe I'm just raunchy. dang.
happily married and mushy. It's pretty sappy I admit.
yes, I'm a med-alert bracelet wearing, helmeted, short-bus riding, window-licking, retard home living idiot.
If you're any older that 7 or 8, this is terrible.
This has been said much better on those posters at the local library that say "Reading Is Super".
feet are bare, not bear....unless maybe they're really hairy, in which case you might try something like Hobbit feet.
So, this guy did something bad enough to get the chair for it and he's going to heaven...I'll never understand Christianity..you get to do whatever you want to do, and as long as you say you're sorry, you still get to go to heaven. YAHOO
Except for prayer/chair, what rhymes?
Pretty good, this one.
A few line edits:
Reality's rivers
clasped hands
troubled soul
as he journeys