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Mr. Campbell's final journey (Free verse) by jroday
Realities rivers rage with turbulence at the banks of the man's heart, as he embarks on a journey to redemption. He does not take this endeavor lightly; on bended knees he prays with clapped hands nightly, asking for forgiveness for a trouble soul in need of repair, a final recitation of his thoughts, a pause then a vacant stare. He takes one footstep forward, a naked man his feet are bear. He gets dressed one last time and eats the last meal that's been prepared,then the guards and a priest lead Mr. Campbell from his cell. He says a silent prayer as they strap him into the electric chair. Realities Rivers which once raged with turbulence at the banks of the man's heart are now calm; as he journey to redemption.

Up the ladder: The Voice
Down the ladder: 6/11/04 11:10-11:15 AM

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.1666665
Weighted score: 5.0448236
Overall Rank: 6998
Posted: June 14, 2005 3:25 AM PDT; Last modified: June 14, 2005 3:25 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 14-Jun-05/6:58 AM | Reply
The rhyming keeps the very long lines from going astray. This is a good one. It would have been a lot better if you hadn't been so outright about 'strapping into an electric chair'. Stanza 2 contains all we need to now about that.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > deleted user | 14-Jun-05/10:08 AM | Reply
Except for prayer/chair, what rhymes?
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > Dovina | 14-Jun-05/12:12 PM | Reply
lightly-nightly
repair-stare
Hm, indeed mostly suggestions of rhyming, a loose alliteration.
On second view the poem's not improving...
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > deleted user | 14-Jun-05/12:49 PM | Reply
I see them now. With line spacing the way it is those rhymes don't add much to the flow.
[7] al-naafiysh @ 204.215.33.8 > Dovina | 15-Jun-05/2:38 AM | Reply
I agree with you on that, he should have waited before he post
it.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 14-Jun-05/10:07 AM | Reply
Pretty good, this one.

A few line edits:
Reality's rivers
clasped hands
troubled soul
as he journeys
[3] Bluemonkey @ 170.141.68.99 | 14-Jun-05/10:45 AM | Reply
feet are bare, not bear....unless maybe they're really hairy, in which case you might try something like Hobbit feet.

So, this guy did something bad enough to get the chair for it and he's going to heaven...I'll never understand Christianity..you get to do whatever you want to do, and as long as you say you're sorry, you still get to go to heaven. YAHOO
[7] al-naafiysh @ 204.215.33.8 > Bluemonkey | 15-Jun-05/2:33 AM | Reply
Who know's not trying to be funny
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 14-Jun-05/1:32 PM | Reply
i wonder at the choice of name, especially since the 'realitiies rage' opening conjures up Joseph Campbell and his 'Power of Myth'
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