poemranker ::Smoky Mountain High by Dovina

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Free verse № 126292

Smoky Mountain High

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 5 Jun 2005 · 24 comments

A river rolls along, slow in orange afternoon haze Sun rises a ball of red in Mississippi Valley Folks there hardly notice or think it strange when summer follows rain Meanwhile, for all those swollen bushes briars, brambles and weeds overwatered, drying fast on San Gabriel slopes likely come summer’s answer— hot pink evenings orange nighttime ridges lovely in firestorm glow when ashes of burned lives fall like rain and sun rises bloody, unfamiliar in yellow murk and we’ll not call it ebb or flow or rain’s result but think it strange

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24 comments

[7] deleted user 6-Jun-05/3:53 AM Reply
>>Sun rises a ball of red<<
But he's heading for a descent, right? Why not
'sun swells a ball of red'? Better alliteration to 'afternoon' and 'valley' this way.

The second part shows quite strong images.
[9] zodiac › deleted user 6-Jun-05/5:17 AM Reply
Or "The sun's red swelling balls"?
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 6-Jun-05/2:45 PM Reply
Although DoubleU called the sun “he,” for whatever reason, you should know from her shape that balls are inappropriate.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 6-Jun-05/4:01 PM Reply
Now wait a minute! This seems to be is a global and everlasting point of discussion. The moon (Luna) is female. So is our planet (Gaya). I've never heard of a female god representing the sun. Though I could be wrong about this. How do NSA people address the sun?
[7] deleted user › deleted user 6-Jun-05/4:04 PM Reply
And something else! Just because the sun has the same shape like one of Pamela Anderson's breasts is no proof that he is a she.
[7] deleted user › deleted user 6-Jun-05/4:50 PM Reply
NASA people is what I mean
[9] zodiac › deleted user 7-Jun-05/2:55 AM Reply
It hasn't been a point of discussion since Simone Beauvoir and a dozen others made out what jackasses we all were for persisting in thinking the sun was male. These days, we tend to just stay indoors.
[9] zodiac › Dovina 7-Jun-05/2:56 AM Reply
Do you think the shape of balls is inappropriate?
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 7-Jun-05/9:33 AM Reply
No, only that more than one ball is inappropriate.
[9] zodiac › Dovina 8-Jun-05/9:41 PM Reply
You forget, I live on Tatooine.
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 14-Jun-05/3:53 PM Reply
Your eyes are crossed.
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 6-Jun-05/2:45 PM Reply
The sun is rising, and although it will eventually descend and in so doing will appear to swell, the sun appears to shrink as it rises. Alliteration be dammed unless it fits the reality.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 6-Jun-05/3:53 PM Reply
'in orange afternoon'... well, you can't blame me for viddying a sun on his way to beddy-bed. I now see what you mean, but in the first part there is no hint at bushfires whatsoever. And to be honest, the reference in the second part escaped me as well. I saw the 'firestorm' as a metaphore. Don't ask me which one.
But don't put any more explanantories in, it's nice the way it is. (perhaps 'Smokey Mountain High' is a set phrase for burning hillsides?)
[9] zodiac 6-Jun-05/5:16 AM Reply
Do you mean "comes summer's answer" or "come summer's answers"? Or is there another subject somewhere I haven't noticed?

Would you consider dropping the last line? I liked it the first time, though. Really.

The title made me think of both the actual Smoky Mountains, in my home part of the world, and the Rocky Mountains of the song. Neither of which are referenced in the poem.

PS-I do wish you'd stop taking Shuushin's word about end-line punctuation.

PPS-Very good, overall.
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 6-Jun-05/2:44 PM Reply
Summer has many answers to the extreme rains the mountains of Southern California have received this past winter. The answer I’m focusing on is the strong probability of wildfire. These mountains burn every 50 years on average, and this year, if a fire starts as the Santa Ana winds come hot and dry off the desert, the rain-swollen bushes will burn like a hell we have never seen.

The last line is for comparison with the first verse, but it may be rubbing an obvious comparison into the readers face. I am so often accused of not including enough information, and being unclear, that I put it in just to be sure.
[9] zodiac › Dovina 7-Jun-05/3:05 AM Reply
No, I just meant grammatically. In the poem, "answer" is what comes - or, rather, "come".

I know the last line is a comparison. A repetition, actually (which I think more and more is what makes poetry poetry.) In truth, the comparison is implicit in the first stanza: Midwesterners think summer following rain isn't strange; since the poem's about Californians, we naturally think that Californians probably do think it's strange. It's not necessary to say so again. Particularly not for a last line.

My thinking for the moment is that "or rain's __________ result" should be the last line. I've no idea what the blank should be. 'inevitable', 'unfathomable', 'stillborn', and about a dozen others I've tried don't work - exactly. Something along those lines, though, and you'll be all aces.
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 7-Jun-05/9:31 AM Reply
rain's mocking result
[9] Dan garcia-Black 6-Jun-05/8:52 AM Reply
The real differnce between the first stanza and the second is what the people at each place are seeing. In the second stanza all of us in LA are watching the bloody, red sun on television. Who goes outside in LaLaLand before sunrise? Oh yeah, sanitation workers, hookers going home to shootup and go to sleep and cops. Personally, I Tivo the 6 AM news just to see the sun.
[7] deleted user › Dan garcia-Black 6-Jun-05/9:20 AM Reply
Just wait until senator Schwarzenegger has sucked up the last of L.A.'s fog in his mighty lungs, and you'll be able to watch the sun performing live again.
[n/a] Dovina › Dan garcia-Black 6-Jun-05/2:43 PM Reply
I beg to differ with your premise that there is a difference in what the people in each place are seeing. The bloody sun rises on the lower Mississippi in late summer and looks like the red sun rising through smoke of Southern California firestorm. The yellow murk and the hot pink evening look similar too. The only differences are ashes falling and the attitude of the residents.
[8] deleted user 6-Jun-05/5:32 PM Reply
I like it.
[0] untamed_fierce 6-Jun-05/5:35 PM Reply
NAHH...this is not good. Not at all. You should be ashamed!
[9] ALChemy 8-Jun-05/1:55 PM Reply
I'm not sure "likely" in verse 2 is necessary. I like the change in tone in the last verse.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 9-Jun-05/3:11 PM Reply
Summer is a fickle girl and may not answer the record rains of winter with record wildfire. But she could. For rhythm’s sake and for symmetry with the Mississippi Valley, the word "likely" could go. For keeping to what I want to say, something along that line is needed.