some deleted user
replying on Impeccable mess by sk8rs_rule_all
18 Jun 2005, 10:48 AM
You really believe you've turned the text into a poem, Zodiac? You made reading easier, that's all. It's still a pile of boring platitudes. 'I reach for the rope, you pull me through', jesus.
hot diggity dog its bloody fantastic. 6th stanza good golly.
Bless you my lad one thought it lacked a slight va va voom but I'm so tired from these blasted painkillers for my hernia that i simply havent the gusto for poetic feats.
Howarya pig? This has such a great underlying rhythm that I think it should be turned up just a notch. Give it a form I think it'll be fine.
Hmmmmm, i recal this poem in the Poetry Corner forum on www.braingell.com, why bother with the shower? Just hold your breath
And,
*********PLAGIARISM ALERT***********
You don't seem to have gotten the point last time, lil_evil_boi (or seem to be unable to distinguish between things you've heard once and things you've invented yourself). You must go running to record companies all the time with some song you've written, only to find it's "Losing My Religion".
Nentwined: Not that you need to, but google any line from any of these. The most egregious ones are actual bumper stickers.
These are the least naughty poems I've ever read.
Poetry -------------------------- SLAM! Poetry
Compare and contrast. (5 points)
In case you were wondering and couldn't be bothered to check Miles Davis called the famous recording sessions Bitches Brew without an apostrophe. I'd say bitches' brew if I were you.
I agree with your first comment. I'm not so sure about the rest. Most of the armed forces (like in any time except during drafts) are probably lowerclass kids or kids who barely made it through highschool and thought, hey, I could make good money for a few years and come out with all these educational and employment opportunities and it's not like anyone's going to declare war in the next four years.
Dont forget
me world, as I am lost
in the darkness of you.
I want to
come out and play,
but I am forever chained
to the feelings of
yesteryear.
Get back into my heart, for I
have lost you. I have lost my
love in this impeccable
mess of mine. I've lost my spot
in line, the line
of life.
Dont give up what you have
to get back there. I gave
up what I had, just to get
back here. Dont forget me
world, as I am lost in
the darkness of you.
I want to
come out and play,
but I am forever chained
to the feelings of
yesteryear.
I wont give up
what I have to get
back there again. The grass
isn't always greener on
the other side. I
was slipping into an abyss
of love and anger, and lost my way. I reach
for the rope
looking for a way out,
and you pulled me through. Dont
forget me world, as I
am lost in the darkness of you.
I want to
come out and play,
but I am forever chained
to the feelings of
yesteryear.
Listen
to your "friends" lying
all around you, telling
you things. They've
ripped apart
my heart, and have made you
bleed out. You've bled
yourself free of hate and anger.
I was once torn, and you helped me.
Better now? Took me two minutes. I could have fixed the grammar too in five. Please stop making the following assumptions: #1. Long-lined or prosy poems are more popular now than usual. #2. Long-lined or prosy poems are easier to write well than other poems.
Instead, why not comment on how this poem uses the word "yesteryear" and is basically a soggy broomhead in a mushbucket of cliche?
ADDENDUM: I talked to my wife about the poem, thinking that since she's a woman working with Muslim women alone (instead of Muslim women dealing with a man - me), she'd have a different and more accurate perspective on things. I hope you don't mind. She basically agreed with all my points, but added that she could imagine a situation where a raped woman would be given money and encouraged (or practically forced) by her family to move for her own safety somewhere anonymous and faraway, like the capital or America. This would be tantamount to being 'cast out of society' and the most disgraceful thing a woman here could imagine. However, she said the two options I named - returning to premarried status in her parents' house or being beaten to death - were the most likely, and emphasized that, outside of the liberal Mideast, the death option would be the most likely. Also, she mentioned that if this Muslim woman was in America or Europe, everything in this poem (including the beating by robbers, ironically!) would be more likely. Not that she'd be totally safe from killing; it's just that America and Europe have more robbers and rapists.
I know - and knew - what you meant by "cast her out for Allah's good". You're on the righter track now, it seems.
most generals I've seen (excluding Stormin' Norman) are not fat.. they are quite trim, in fact.
We all have to die. Nobody makes anybody enlist in the armed services anymore. It's like saying "My life is not worth preserving" when you sign up.
I think Joseph Smith was an idiot.
graphic
I think because she is covered in puke.
well. step 1. Use a thesaurus. Broken -- busted -- wrecked -- bent -- bruised -- mangled -- tortured -- trashed --...
but don't say.. "Its all broken. Now I must fix this broken thing." eww. yuck. and "it's all broken" is bad too. try.. "it's broken"..
"You have crushed it
now I must tend this
mangled vessel." --
the original line was " necessary". I have problems with
it also. thank you for your input.
Thank you dovina for your insight.
Leave "that" out of the second line and this is good.