Dovina
on Make Love to Me by drumrgirl30
17 Jun 2005, 8:02 PM
Omit "so much" from Verse 3 and this is pretty good.
We had a hippie painter here, quite famous for his four wives. They adored him for more than thirty years. So when, shortly before his death, he declared that the relationships were of a platonic nature, no one believed him.
The only decent way left to treat a subject like this is going contrary and by heavy metaphoring. It's almost a lyric; I wonder how this would sound when sung by Bono. If he wanted to. And I don't think so.
What did she see that brought forth a welling of bile?
Or is the bile figurative for what you saw?
In either case - yuck - why the last line?
I look at the bad reviews more than the good. They tell me what I need to work on. Could you read my other poems and tell me how you feel about them? I want people to read my poetry and like it. If there is any doubt about my ability as a poet I would like to know. I am interested in your honest opinion of my work.
There was this news item about a student barfing over his teacher. Just exam nerves; the explanation he tossed around
Of all the cries from pain some sound suspiciously like delight...
I simply don't believe that some parts, like 4 and 9, are not classics. But it's fun reading. Exactly what this manic-depressive board needs.
Sorry for my awful rhythm...
>>Here Iâve been a dragon and an elf,
Iâve been learned to be more myself.<<
After this, I expected a stanza with:
'There, I've seen seas and mountains
and bathed in cosmic fountains'
In short, I expected some sort of contrast
This subject can be so much more.
Something went wrong with the layout. Copied from the quoted part of an email?
A pity, as the poem has elegance. I would reconsider the last line. Mainly because of >>demanded<<
Ah, but do I disagree! This one is clumsier than the Joey poem, but the writer at least managed to break away from the dreary 'Boo-hoo-hoo, I love you, Why don't you love me too' mold. Even though only one line manages so: >>some of the pieces are missing!<<
This is the umpteenth try at the subject 'relationship & mutual incomprehension'. Sorry Damien, but I couldn't care less.
This is a good theme that could be a good poem. As it is you have an outline for a poem
not as good as the JOEY one.
"for the love of you" is just bad.
the genitive form of YOU is YOUR.
"for your love" is a song by a reggae band (King Konga) a Country Artist (Chris LeDoux), and a classic sixties rock song (yardbirds). I even think Stevie Wonder sang a song titled For your Love.
okay. bye.
Not a poem, but some good thoughts that could be made into a poem.
rockmage is worng. Nevertheless, this is a weak or incomplete poem.
It has such a nice rhythm that the lines which don't really stand out.
These are very funny! Did you write all of them; some seem familiar, but I'm not accusing you of anything, could be that they are just the kind of thing I've heard before.
good start.. where are the other stanzas?
I'll vote when you're done.