Dovina
on untitled by nicole081083
15 Aug 2005, 3:06 PM
Pretty good rhythm. Fix the spelling! But mostly try to say it in a less trite way.
At lesst fix the spelling, grammar and tense problems.
You had me with the first verse - really descriptive. But as it relates to arogance and Narcissusism and the rest, well, I don't see it relating.
Moses?
Please, fix the misspellings. You don't have anything exciting or artful here, just a dull meditation on the afterlife. I have been forced to read many, many poems like this and smile indulgently at their authors and say "it's nice." Online, however, I have no compunction about telling you that this poem is worthless. I mean that as no offense, I'm just telling you what I think.
Dull
I'm going to pick a bone here.
Say "Everybody got their problems" or "We all got our problems" or whatever you feel like.
"They" as a singular pronoun has been used for over a century. There's nothing wrong with writing the English you speak. The only difference between a grammatically "correct" and "incorrect" construction is whether or not it happened to get standardized (and fossilized) when a language was first written down or thereafter. I'm not being ungrammatical by using "you" as a singular pronoun instead of "thou" although many prescriptive grammaticians of centuries past cried that to do so was to vandalize the English language. Therefore to say "We all got our problems" is incorrect is almost as rediculous as saying that Dante really wrote in grammatically incorrect Latin.
Now about the poem, it's bad. It doesen't read like a poem at all but more like a 10 year old's improvised prayer before bedtime. I can't see any way to salvage it. Sorry.
fun poem :) Bethy
Truthful song!!! would love to hear it set to music...sad and yet uplifting...just knowing there is...someone...there with you...I totlally get your meaning...Been there... :) :) Bethy
I'm not sure the jagged metrics work for this poem. Excellent use of everlast as a verb (or possibly a noun)
good job Nicole...:) Bethy
ÙI don't mean something worth reading *about*. If that's what you're after, go write a novel. I mean wordings and phrases that are interesting. Use the words to show, not tell. This could be a good poem. Make it one.
I think it is something worth reading about. It's a story about a woman who finds God and realizes that even though her husband left her, she's gonna be ok
This poem is dead on the page, give it some life, something worth reading.
This is more prose than poetry. Although it sounded pretty cool when I had my friend read it with a Pakistani accent while I was stoned out of my mind.
Dental Panic
on I'm too friggin' rich to even title this poem by T. Jonathron Remp
15 Aug 2005, 4:52 AM
Just saw the movie - good fun.