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Written while Kayaking (Other) by Sasha
I was born to this desert, these swift dunes Of water, the dull loudness of the gull Where I am primal once again and if The soul cries out, the body moves in answer. Here I evolve to build my clan of one, Entouraged by the splashes of the paddle, Till owning it with purest monarchy Enthroned in my red boat on my blue realm... Such the vast arrogance of being alone Even for the obese Narcissus with A hot duped harem on his buddylist, Whose bunk IMs compose a stud while these Who twine in bed with average love behold Each in the other an illusory god. I’ve learned to hate so blatant a self-love With all its pettiness and won’t enjoy Such hours of respite from reality When truth and flab are nicely held at bay. Still it’s a kind of comfort to believe You see yourself with foreign eyes and know That you posesss what beauty you percieve, Whatever else the jurying mirror show: Nice eyes. a sucked-in gut. a unibrow.

Up the ladder: Working man lament
Down the ladder: Bra in a Bar

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.142857
Weighted score: 5.576303
Overall Rank: 2383
Posted: August 15, 2005 1:33 PM PDT; Last modified: August 15, 2005 1:33 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 15-Aug-05/3:01 PM | Reply
You had me with the first verse - really descriptive. But as it relates to arogance and Narcissusism and the rest, well, I don't see it relating.
[8] Bobjim @ 143.167.177.3 > Dovina | 16-Aug-05/3:17 AM | Reply
I must concur. As a kayaker myself, the first verse had me all the way. After that I just tailed off to skimming rather than reading.
[n/a] Sasha @ 68.49.8.49 > Bobjim | 16-Aug-05/5:58 PM | Reply
The idea is that while Kayaking it feels as though you've got such power and freedom whereas really you're just in water on a boat with no more power than one on land. The rest of the poem takes an objective view to that kind of grandiose self-perception
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Sasha | 16-Aug-05/6:57 PM | Reply
Yes you've said that very clearly and nicely in "it’s a kind of comfort to believe you see yourself with foreign eyes and know that you posesss what beauty you percieve." The problem is there's no link to the kayak, or a very weak link. The tone changes abruptly in Verse 2.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Dovina | 16-Aug-05/6:59 PM | Reply
BTW, "posesss what beauty you percieve" contains two misspelled words.
[8] Bobjim @ 143.167.132.31 > Sasha | 17-Aug-05/4:27 AM | Reply
I know that, it's just not as enjoyable to read as the first verse.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.67 | 17-Aug-05/3:31 PM | Reply
I suggest, kill s-3 and s-4, save the penultimate and attach it to the bottom of s-2. Leave the end.
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.19.46 | 20-Aug-05/5:33 AM | Reply
Great except for the internet words. Sorry. I'll never ever ever be cool with buddylist and IM in a poem. Call me a curmudgeonly Luddite.
[n/a] Sasha @ 68.49.8.49 > zodiac | 20-Aug-05/11:02 PM | Reply
ok, you curmudgeonly Luddite. Here are some words that were at one time inadmissable to poetry and elevated writing

belittle

dug (as opposed to 'digg'd' or 'diggèd')

neither (as part of the "neither...nor" construction as opposed to "nor...nor")

either (as part of the "either...or" construction as opposed to "or...or")

Legs (briefly in victorian england)

[10] zodiac @ 212.118.19.227 > Sasha | 22-Aug-05/11:24 PM | Reply
Here are some words that, used today, will not necessarily elevate your poetry:

halberd, doublet, aroint, Moor (meaning 'Negro'), copatain hat, dolt (meaning 'a small dutch coin').
[7] 7!3 @ 219.95.12.137 | 21-Aug-05/6:11 PM | Reply
yea, i like the first verse, too...
i think your poem could've been better.... coz i LOVE kayaking!!!
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