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Words (Free verse) by Dovina
Gifts, no doubt
Set on a waking forehead
In moments ending sleep
Tenuously they rest
Like dust ready to blow away
In anxious morning
Resting on all the past words
Stacked high as play blocks
teetering precariously
floor to near ceiling
Perched on a tall ladder
I add just one more block
One more record
Ignoring jeers and vain praise
Once in a long while
I look and find
Somebody holding the ladder
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5281
Posted: August 12, 2005 1:19 PM PDT; Last modified: August 12, 2005 1:19 PM PDT
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Comments:
281 view(s)
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Since I've been silly, I'll go ahead and critique seriously. This could be a fine poem, honestly. I would, however:
- drop "Tenuously" from the first stanza.
- reword the second and third stanzas so they're not so overfull of adjective phrases.
- drop "the" from before "past words"
- Actually, make the second stanza something like:
I perch on a tall ladder
stacking words on past words
high as play blocks
... and so on.
- If you must include "teetering precariously", change it to something totally different or drop it entirely. Also, drop "One more record" and "Ignoring jeers and vain praise".
The first line and the last three are really quite good.
A lot of the focus of this poem seems wasted on the struggle-despite-hardship-and-persecutio