Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 15:14:44 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Gifts, no doubt Set on a waking forehead In moments ending sleep Tenuously they rest Like dust ready to blow away In anxious morning Resting on all the past words Stacked high as play blocks teetering precariously floor to near ceiling Perched on a tall ladder I add just one more block One more record Ignoring jeers and vain praise Once in a long while I look and find Somebody holding the ladder

zodiac

20-Aug-05/5:19 AM

I just assumed that the inventor of Shift+F7 was the inventor of the Word Thesaurus. Weird how you didn't...

Since I've been silly, I'll go ahead and critique seriously. This could be a fine poem, honestly. I would, however:
- drop "Tenuously" from the first stanza.
- reword the second and third stanzas so they're not so overfull of adjective phrases.
- drop "the" from before "past words"
- Actually, make the second stanza something like:
I perch on a tall ladder
stacking words on past words
high as play blocks
... and so on.
- If you must include "teetering precariously", change it to something totally different or drop it entirely. Also, drop "One more record" and "Ignoring jeers and vain praise".

The first line and the last three are really quite good.

A lot of the focus of this poem seems wasted on the struggle-despite-hardship-and-persecution part. Once again, you've neglected to include a part about how you could be totally nuts and musguided. I think that part's a necessity for any poem, even if it's only lip service. Why not throw in a Babylon reference or something so people (including yourself) don't think you're just cocky? I know a great place for one (hint: instead of stanza three.) Anyway, give it some thought. Sorry for being facetious before. I really rather liked this one.

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