ALChemy
on The Trees in Spring (edit) by Sasha
29 Aug 2005, 2:21 AM
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".
A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
Well conceived, I like the line of thought.
Each stanza presemnts a clear idea in the development of an overall insight.
The phrasing feels a bit awkward, but it may just be the number of syllables and the structure of a sonnet. The only thing I can see to change is the 'they' and Theirs' in 2nd and 3rd stanzas. There is a hint of subject/object disagreement that could be clarified.
"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."
"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."
"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."
"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."
That should fix up the rythm some.
No end rhyme in stanza 1?
Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
Another example: You FOUND one day that it seemed the splender of Gold and the splender of God are simular. You deduced that there must be an important connection between the two. You then added the splender of gold into your definition of God.
By the way I think your Gold/God thing makes some good points. Especially when you look at their effects on us throughout history.
Let me try to simplify. As early astronomers looked into the sky through their primitive telescopes they FOUND objects that did not appear to be stars. It was only later that they defined what they saw as planets etc. So you see you must find something before you define something otherwise you have no subject for definition. If youâre looking for something that has a complete definition then there's no discovery. God has not been completely defined. You can't use words that don't have a universal value like "Exceedingly Splendid" which to one person may be one thing and to another something else. That doesn't qualify as a complete definition but a vague one. Obviously we have some definition of God but not a complete one. If you truly understand God and the mind of God then you must be the Messiah.
Moses knew not how to pray like that when God first spoke to him (No matter what mister Heston might have done in the movie). The bible also says God is everywhere so why would God have to send a message from space if God exists in even the tiniest particle in our bodies. It's like calling someone on your cell phone thatâs standing right next to you.
Pshaw!
Feels a bit empty for something so full.
Strange ending, had to go back and re-read it to see how it all ties together. I love the first stanza...timeless appeal!
The use of 2, for 'to' is annoying, to me. Spelling>its: it's. Why is there> Why are there. by tread> by thread.
i'll> I'll (You used 'I'.) pathetic(.) Too many commas in the last stanza.
Besides all that, it is a common theme that young people address in their life, and this poem is typical of the questions that rise when looking at spirituality. I would answer your last statement with: Christianity says that he did his bleeding for society...in order to save them from themselves. I would ask, what would you know or learn without the challenges, the tears, the pain? You would not know of triumph, happiness, or joy. Without hate, how would you know love? Without cold how would you know what warmth was? Should we all be saved from anything uncomfortablable or painful, when to do so would rob us of knowledge and experience? If a mother protects her child from any and ALL pains, is he prepared? Is he knowledgable, does he live a full life? No, love is not robbing her child of the right to choose, even when that choice is not best. Love is letting him make mistakes, and letting him learn and grow from them. I have been through many trials, and now looking at it all and am glad for every single one...it makes me who I am! I have a wisdom that I could not have had, had I been 'spared'. It gives me knowledge to share with ohters, it gives me a compassion that is rare in most people, it gives me a wider perspective and I can look at things with less judgement.
sorry...but it needs more meat. and...each other/ two words. And you forgot the ending period, since you used them throughout.
friends> friend's Other than that, love the ending!
Hey, complete sentences; correct spelling, capitalization, and puncuation! Great format to what and how you wrote it...better than some I have seen lately...!!!
Wow, very cool, very timeless and timely, but is ancient feeling none-the-less. Seems to speak from past to those of now and the future...thanks for sharing!
I mean the poem...nice! (As for hallway sex, guess that depends on with whom!)
hmmm...nice!
smile*...cute! I like this.
It would help if you cleaned up the capitalization, and puncuation. At 'whistled' is not a start of a sentence, but you end with a period. I have been informed that to begin a sentence with And is okay. sucked through my nose as I slept, is not a complete sentence either. I am not very strong in puncuation usuage, but I suppose you could leave it out altogether, or get some help with it.
vacumn< spelling
spelling check> cought, heros, when YOUR choking, perserver
Work on the puncuation, it would help it to read better.
wtf is up w/ the low ratings... i think this is a excellent piece of writing.
As a poeme, it's cack. Like a snowflake, but warm? So not like a snowflake, then? No. Like a spring leaf. Well which is it? Both. And a repairer of breeches.