Sonnet № 123690
The Trees in Spring (edit)
The trees though little time they have till fall
Have never been so timeless as today
And, with an immaculate green, recall
The eternity from which we fell away.
A kind of calm that follows where we run
Redeems our footprints. Where the wind has crossed
The treetops haloed in the setting sun,
They rustle in the tongues of Pentacost.
Theirs is a green of foliage and must go
Shedding itself in bits of red till these
Shake unclad in a chill and sanguine glow.
Thus Adam who had bitten into God,
Awoke and felt a new cold in the breeze,
Sentenced into his naked flesh and blood
6 comments
Each stanza presemnts a clear idea in the development of an overall insight.
The phrasing feels a bit awkward, but it may just be the number of syllables and the structure of a sonnet. The only thing I can see to change is the 'they' and Theirs' in 2nd and 3rd stanzas. There is a hint of subject/object disagreement that could be clarified.
By bitten do you mean "pained".
A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
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