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The Trees in Spring (edit) (Sonnet) by Sasha
The trees though little time they have till fall Have never been so timeless as today And, with an immaculate green, recall The eternity from which we fell away. A kind of calm that follows where we run Redeems our footprints. Where the wind has crossed The treetops haloed in the setting sun, They rustle in the tongues of Pentacost. Theirs is a green of foliage and must go Shedding itself in bits of red till these Shake unclad in a chill and sanguine glow. Thus Adam who had bitten into God, Awoke and felt a new cold in the breeze, Sentenced into his naked flesh and blood

Up the ladder: Monsters
Down the ladder: Come Home Soon

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3960
Posted: April 18, 2005 9:59 PM PDT; Last modified: August 28, 2005 9:04 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] LilMsLadyPoet @ 205.188.116.139 | 28-Aug-05/9:05 PM | Reply
Strange ending, had to go back and re-read it to see how it all ties together. I love the first stanza...timeless appeal!
[10] impert&ent @ 80.195.201.212 | 29-Aug-05/1:44 AM | Reply
Well conceived, I like the line of thought.
Each stanza presemnts a clear idea in the development of an overall insight.

The phrasing feels a bit awkward, but it may just be the number of syllables and the structure of a sonnet. The only thing I can see to change is the 'they' and Theirs' in 2nd and 3rd stanzas. There is a hint of subject/object disagreement that could be clarified.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 | 29-Aug-05/2:21 AM | Reply
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".

A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > ALChemy | 29-Aug-05/2:21 AM | Reply
The rest sounds top notch.
[8] wilco @ 66.61.101.130 | 30-Aug-05/6:46 PM | Reply
Your original work is usually pretty good, and this is no exception, but your stuff always seems so pretentious. I guess it's just the way you write...carry on.
[n/a] Sasha @ 68.49.8.49 > wilco | 30-Aug-05/6:57 PM | Reply
I have admited on this very site that I am a pretentious fuck.
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