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The Trees in Spring (edit) (Sonnet) by Sasha The trees though little time they have till fall
Have never been so timeless as today
And, with an immaculate green, recall
The eternity from which we fell away.
A kind of calm that follows where we run
Redeems our footprints. Where the wind has crossed
The treetops haloed in the setting sun,
They rustle in the tongues of Pentacost.
Theirs is a green of foliage and must go
Shedding itself in bits of red till these
Shake unclad in a chill and sanguine glow.
Thus Adam who had bitten into God,
Awoke and felt a new cold in the breeze,
Sentenced into his naked flesh and blood
Up the ladder:
Harp Song of the Prawne Men
Down the ladder:
By Request
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Posted: April 18, 2005 9:59 PM PDT; Last modified: August 28, 2005 9:04 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2622466 Overall Rank: 3960 Comments:
[8]
LilMsLadyPoet @ 205.188.116.139
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28-Aug-05/9:05 PM
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Reply
Strange ending, had to go back and re-read it to see how it all ties together. I love the first stanza...timeless appeal!
Well conceived, I like the line of thought.
Each stanza presemnts a clear idea in the development of an overall insight. The phrasing feels a bit awkward, but it may just be the number of syllables and the structure of a sonnet. The only thing I can see to change is the 'they' and Theirs' in 2nd and 3rd stanzas. There is a hint of subject/object disagreement that could be clarified.
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained". A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
The rest sounds top notch.
Your original work is usually pretty good, and this is no exception, but your stuff always seems so pretentious. I guess it's just the way you write...carry on.
I have admited on this very site that I am a pretentious fuck.
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