poemranker ::The Trees in Spring (edit) by Sasha

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Sonnet № 123690

The Trees in Spring (edit)

Member since 2004 · Posted 18 Apr 2005 · Edited 28 Aug 2005 · 6 comments

The trees though little time they have till fall Have never been so timeless as today And, with an immaculate green, recall The eternity from which we fell away. A kind of calm that follows where we run Redeems our footprints. Where the wind has crossed The treetops haloed in the setting sun, They rustle in the tongues of Pentacost. Theirs is a green of foliage and must go Shedding itself in bits of red till these Shake unclad in a chill and sanguine glow. Thus Adam who had bitten into God, Awoke and felt a new cold in the breeze, Sentenced into his naked flesh and blood

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mean 7.20 weighted 5.26 rank 3965 views 276 View voting details →

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6 comments

[8] LilMsLadyPoet 28-Aug-05/9:05 PM Reply
Strange ending, had to go back and re-read it to see how it all ties together. I love the first stanza...timeless appeal!
[10] impert&ent 29-Aug-05/1:44 AM Reply
Well conceived, I like the line of thought.
Each stanza presemnts a clear idea in the development of an overall insight.

The phrasing feels a bit awkward, but it may just be the number of syllables and the structure of a sonnet. The only thing I can see to change is the 'they' and Theirs' in 2nd and 3rd stanzas. There is a hint of subject/object disagreement that could be clarified.
[n/a] ALChemy 29-Aug-05/2:21 AM Reply
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".

A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
[n/a] ALChemy › ALChemy 29-Aug-05/2:21 AM Reply
The rest sounds top notch.
[8] wilco 30-Aug-05/6:46 PM Reply
Your original work is usually pretty good, and this is no exception, but your stuff always seems so pretentious. I guess it's just the way you write...carry on.
[n/a] Sasha › wilco 30-Aug-05/6:57 PM Reply
I have admited on this very site that I am a pretentious fuck.