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A Picture For Danny (Free verse) by Caducus
In a room of daffodils and monotone Cathy coughs on candles staring at number eight making wishes for nine - unravelling presents keeping red ribbons to wear in her hair next to disco ‘Barbie’ both wearing pale bandannas. ~~~~~~ Opposite was Daniel’s bed until the movement of wheels darkened shiny floors and he returned in a desperate mothers’ cry folded pyjamas and quiet toy cars. Cathy used his crayons drew him with wings, a green smile and flowing orange hair - his favourite colours… And he shined again on grey walls. Cathy asked her Daddy ‘Where did Daniel go when he died?' To which he replied ‘Your picture Princess’ Cathy smiled as her Dad fought back tears.

Up the ladder: Emma Barksdale
Down the ladder: Settling in

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3964
Posted: January 17, 2005 3:08 AM PST; Last modified: January 17, 2005 3:08 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite @ 64.12.116.135 | 17-Jan-05/11:05 AM | Reply
wow........this is so good.............
-mega
[10] Beyond_Dreams @ 67.51.232.76 | 17-Jan-05/11:19 AM | Reply
I always love reading your poems, you actully inspired me to me write one of my poems 'Religious Slaughter'. But this by far the best poem I have read by you :)
[9] wilco @ 24.165.207.93 | 19-Jan-05/5:07 PM | Reply
Now, this is pretty good, I think. I think it would flow better if you omitted the lines "Cathy asked her daddy" and "To which he replied".
Making it read something like this:

'Where did Daniel go when he died?'
'Your picture princess'
Cathy smiled
as her dad fought back tears.

I don't mean to rewrite it because it's good as is. It's just an idea...
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