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A Picture For Danny (Free verse) by Caducus

In a room of daffodils and monotone Cathy coughs on candles staring at number eight making wishes for nine - unravelling presents keeping red ribbons to wear in her hair next to disco ‘Barbie’ both wearing pale bandannas. ~~~~~~ Opposite was Daniel’s bed until the movement of wheels darkened shiny floors and he returned in a desperate mothers’ cry folded pyjamas and quiet toy cars. Cathy used his crayons drew him with wings, a green smile and flowing orange hair - his favourite colours… And he shined again on grey walls. Cathy asked her Daddy ‘Where did Daniel go when he died?' To which he replied ‘Your picture Princess’ Cathy smiled as her Dad fought back tears.

wilco 19-Jan-05/5:07 PM
Now, this is pretty good, I think. I think it would flow better if you omitted the lines "Cathy asked her daddy" and "To which he replied".
Making it read something like this:

'Where did Daniel go when he died?'
'Your picture princess'
Cathy smiled
as her dad fought back tears.

I don't mean to rewrite it because it's good as is. It's just an idea...




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