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The Moment of Over (Other) by Bethy
One night I was out with the girls on a stag. My cell phone rang, a familiar tune played. Could you bring home some milk and a loaf of bread too, Stay out, have fun, See you tomorrow, I love you. Thinking of him I took a cab home, I sneaked through the door, But he wasn't alone. Their bodies were tangled, like the thoughts in my head. They were screwing each other on the new sheets on my bed. My ears started ringing, my heart pounded, my chest heaved. I stood there watching, my head screaming "LEAVE!" Then I paused for a second and turned on the light. I couldn't believe it, His best friends wife. The smile on her face was now slapped to the floor. I spit on her, pushed her and called her a whore. I cursed her and mocked her, I called her a skank. As I watched her drive off, my heart broke, I sank. My words became cries, Then I heard my name, Beth, I'm sorry, forgive me, I'm to blame. Hanging there lifeless, I turned to face him, "Go with her, just go!" "You can't stay, there's no reason." He walked to his car, heavy with guilt. "Hey, I said, you forgot your milk."

Up the ladder: Crash & burn
Down the ladder: Oomphless

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.6666665
Weighted score: 5.717177
Overall Rank: 1910
Posted: August 26, 2005 3:48 PM PDT; Last modified: August 26, 2005 3:48 PM PDT
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Bobjim

Comments:
[10] Bobjim @ 86.136.123.199 | 26-Aug-05/4:05 PM | Reply
This is an amazing poem. Hope this isn't based on a true story.
-10- and fave
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.206 > Bobjim | 26-Aug-05/6:01 PM | Reply
Thanks Bobjim...It is true...its why I am a single mom bringing up two little darlins on my own...:) Bethy
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 27-Aug-05/7:18 PM | Reply
The rhythm is so good that the few lines out-of-rhythm really stand out.
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.212 > Dovina | 29-Aug-05/10:20 AM | Reply
Thanks a whole bunch Dovina, I agree, those few lines do stand out don't they...Alchemy suggested a few changes..I really like them...and will edit and re-post...:) Bethy
[9] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.67 | 28-Aug-05/7:59 AM | Reply
Um, aside from the hiccups in the beat ,it works.
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.212 > INTRANSIT | 29-Aug-05/10:23 AM | Reply
incerting head in bag now... lol...hiccups will vanish before yer eyes...lol...and thanks...:) Bethy
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.212 > Bethy | 29-Aug-05/10:33 AM | Reply
Darkangel...I went to reply to your comments and deleted it...ARG!!!...anyhow...thanks for your comments...my mouse is now a UFO...hehehe...:)Bethy
[7] LilMsLadyPoet @ 205.188.116.69 | 28-Aug-05/8:17 PM | Reply
friends> friend's Other than that, love the ending!
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.212 > LilMsLadyPoet | 29-Aug-05/10:36 AM | Reply
Thanks...glad you like it...it was fun to write...will be making a few changes, including yours...:) Bethy
[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 | 29-Aug-05/1:38 AM | Reply
"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."

"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."

"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."

"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."

That should fix up the rythm some.

No end rhyme in stanza 1?

Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
[n/a] Bethy @ 24.222.32.212 > ALChemy | 29-Aug-05/10:43 AM | Reply
love your ideas...I will edit and re-post...I actually hit his car with the carton...lol...and thanks...I am glad you like it...:) Bethy
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