ALChemy29 Aug 2005

"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."

"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."

"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."

"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."

That should fix up the rythm some.

No end rhyme in stanza 1?

Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.