daggatolar
on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil
5 Oct 2005, 1:27 PM
rhyme ; the criminal act of forcing words into feelings, when poetry in the first instance is a feeling feel for meaning that does not come wordless... I cannot agree less.
true to the heart can love so out this world be worthy of a world eating up hearts before you can even earn a meal to live to see tomorrow?
Forgive my spelling I'm quite sleepy.
The bible quotes were a silly game I was playing with an even sillier man. The summa in my mind is philosophy not religion.
The bible is hearsay. God spoke to men who then spoke to people etc. until someone finally wrote it down. A record of God and his teachings. Is Socrates talking to you when he teaches Plato? Of course not. I'm sure their both happy their teachings are being retaught by mankind but it's still not same thing. If you read the bible and the actual spirit of God does not come to you and speak to your heart in a language unspoken, unheard, and that only your heart can decipher than you are simply reading a book about God and his teachings. A book that's been manipulated by greedy men so much that I'm supprised it still packs a punch.
"What is wrong with God using things or people to speak to us. . .to our hearts even?" What's wrong with it is what the poems about. I mean how do you know if God ain't there to say "Yep I sent him" or "Yep I said exactly what he wrote in that book."?
Well formulated question by the way, tadpole.
New one:
"take a moment to flex your sphincter
now stick your finger in it's cincture"
"take a moment to flex your sphincter
Play a song of great destincture"
Best I could do.
I think cliches still have use in small amounts like in irony but otherwise I agree with you more than ever on this.
"With every pebble thrown A heart suffers loss" is the part that sounds most like an Poison-esque power ballad or country music. And really? Does that heart REALLY "suffer loss" every time you throw a pebble? Excuse me for suggesting that sounds like one of those things which are only true in power ballads, like love's like a knife, or the jukebox playing your song.
Really great. Is that really how it's spelled? I thought absinthe, and am too lazy to check.
Drop the colons. Great.
If I may make a suggestion, try rewriting this poem avoiding any rhymes you've ever heard, ever, in any poem or song. Ever. This would mean skipping go and know, pain and gain, find and mind, and probably eyes and ties, to say the least. Finding new rhymes will also help you to avoid those unfortunate cliches (since there's only so many places to lay your weary head, and that's your bed, for example.) In other words, if instead of saying "Take a moment to close your eyes" you said, oh, "take a moment to flex your sphincter" and then made it rhyme, you'd be bound to say something original, and therefore a hundred times more interesting than what you have. That's all. Great try, but please take my advice seriously. I know the tone of this comment is a little sarcastic, but that's only because I live in the middle of a great ugly desert without access to conventional forms of entertainment. I mean it. You can't write anything good while using cliche rhymes.
Is your friend gay? Who actually criticizes poetry for not rhyming enough?
You're so full of balls. Are you aware of how much you're making this shit up? I am.
PS-For bonus points (or at least a shot at redemption), name an American holiday with "female soul".
I speak fluent Arabic jive. It throws off my enemies, giving me time to throw a handful of sand in their eyes and disappear.
Also, I live in the safe part of the Middle East, (the only Middle Eastern country without a major attack against tourists this year! 2100 Safe Days and counting! Woo-hoo,) the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan. Also, I'm serious about speaking Arabic jive.
awesome flow there were just a couple lines that seemed forced to keep in rhyme, make her dead and destroyed no doubt are the 2 that really didnt work for me. other than that i'm really impressed, its just so smooth and complete.
not bad.
Some good stuff here, but trim it a little.
It started out okay but then just sort of meandered into mediocrity. Shorten it up and try saying what you want to say with less.
not bad, rich, not bad at all.