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Escape (Free verse) by Heather Dee Take a moment to close your eyes,
Breaking all unwanted ties.
Freeing your mind of needless thought,
Escaping the battles you have fought.
Take a breath in and exhale all pain.
Solitude and peace you have to gain.
Donât resist from letting yourself go,
A deeper understanding to all you know.
Freedom to expand your clarity of mind,
Now is much easier you will find
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Anniversary Poem
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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.4
Posted: October 3, 2005 6:53 AM PDT; Last modified: October 3, 2005 6:53 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9284782 Overall Rank: 9377 Comments:
[5]
Niphredil @ 192.117.121.122
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3-Oct-05/11:42 AM
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Reply
Too many cliches for me, I'm afraid... sorry.
Try saying it without the restriction of rhyme. As another recent poem states...rhyme is wholly overrated.
As are non-rhyming poets.
If I may make a suggestion, try rewriting this poem avoiding any rhymes you've ever heard, ever, in any poem or song. Ever. This would mean skipping go and know, pain and gain, find and mind, and probably eyes and ties, to say the least. Finding new rhymes will also help you to avoid those unfortunate cliches (since there's only so many places to lay your weary head, and that's your bed, for example.) In other words, if instead of saying "Take a moment to close your eyes" you said, oh, "take a moment to flex your sphincter" and then made it rhyme, you'd be bound to say something original, and therefore a hundred times more interesting than what you have. That's all. Great try, but please take my advice seriously. I know the tone of this comment is a little sarcastic, but that's only because I live in the middle of a great ugly desert without access to conventional forms of entertainment. I mean it. You can't write anything good while using cliche rhymes.
"take a moment to flex your sphincter
Play a song of great destincture" Best I could do. I think cliches still have use in small amounts like in irony but otherwise I agree with you more than ever on this.
New one:
"take a moment to flex your sphincter now stick your finger in it's cincture"
My girl (a dinosaur, but extincter)
Had a thing for toying with my sphincter Til one day, quite naughtily, She entered it bodily. We still talk, though her voice is indistincter. Also, consider rhymes with her (or 'er), like "binked her", "Colonel Klinked 'er" or "hyperlinked 'er". A great user of cliches is Thom Yorke of Radiohead. He actually never sings anything that isn't like a tv-movie.
Yeah I considered those but I thought you'd say "Yeah but those aren't real words". It's nice to see someone loosening up the grammar noose every know and then.
You mean you can actually understand what Thom Yorke is saying.
One: Well, yeah. It's a limerick.
Two: Most of the time. I'm pretty sure sometimes I'm just adding consonants at random. I swear half the time he sounds like, 'ra'ira', 'ello, ra'ira'ira'.
Ah the Rorschach approach to song writing.
Just to song-comprehension. I'm pretty sure he's saying something specific. Okay, 70% sure.
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