Poemranker [Replying] Tue May 07 05:56:34 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Take a moment to close your eyes, Breaking all unwanted ties. Freeing your mind of needless thought, Escaping the battles you have fought. Take a breath in and exhale all pain. Solitude and peace you have to gain. Donât resist from letting yourself go, A deeper understanding to all you know. Freedom to expand your clarity of mind, Now is much easier you will find

zodiac

5-Oct-05/1:56 AM

If I may make a suggestion, try rewriting this poem avoiding any rhymes you've ever heard, ever, in any poem or song. Ever. This would mean skipping go and know, pain and gain, find and mind, and probably eyes and ties, to say the least. Finding new rhymes will also help you to avoid those unfortunate cliches (since there's only so many places to lay your weary head, and that's your bed, for example.) In other words, if instead of saying "Take a moment to close your eyes" you said, oh, "take a moment to flex your sphincter" and then made it rhyme, you'd be bound to say something original, and therefore a hundred times more interesting than what you have. That's all. Great try, but please take my advice seriously. I know the tone of this comment is a little sarcastic, but that's only because I live in the middle of a great ugly desert without access to conventional forms of entertainment. I mean it. You can't write anything good while using cliche rhymes.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

An internet tradition since June 9, 2001