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on passing through some small town (Free verse) by Dental Panic
balanced like a queen an epiphany in a uniform white with delicate green stripes and a red logo discreetly placed upon her chest: touchdown. o the beauty of the cashier girl she just might understand why rivers bend with a smile like that. I want to ask her: come with me, be all mine. But I don’t. Instead with arms full of supplies I get into my car and drive. It’s getting late. My mouth is dry. A dusty trail is up ahead.


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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 8.625
Weighted score: 5.9749126
Overall Rank: 1337
Posted: June 12, 2005 1:26 AM PDT; Last modified: June 21, 2005 1:34 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] ALChemy @ 65.188.92.49 | 12-Jun-05/7:00 PM | Reply
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
[8] ALChemy @ 65.188.92.49 | 12-Jun-05/7:06 PM | Reply
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.31.86.195 > ALChemy | 13-Jun-05/4:02 AM | Reply
I know. Bird droppings. One finger opinions. Poemranker folkore.
[6] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.69 | 12-Jun-05/10:57 PM | Reply
Quite nice images, but as has been said the first line isnt great and the last two words could be dropped, also wht change tense in the last stanza, it would work as well if not better if you stuck to the present I believe.


[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 13-Jun-05/4:15 PM | Reply
Drop the first line.

Second verse is good.
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > Dovina | 13-Jun-05/4:44 PM | Reply
Dovina has a point. Amazing how dropping the first stanza fortifies the other three.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > deleted user | 13-Jun-05/4:58 PM | Reply
I only meant to drop the first line.
[9] Prince of Void @ 81.12.62.65 | 21-Jun-05/2:05 PM | Reply
beautiful****
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 21-Jun-05/7:20 PM | Reply
Much better. I wonder why just some of the sentences begin with capitals.
[8] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 | 21-Jul-05/7:22 AM | Reply
Much better.
[9] tadpole @ 68.64.172.229 | 4-Oct-05/7:00 PM | Reply
I like it, funny, 8.5
265 view(s)




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