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on passing through some small town (Free verse) by Dental Panic balanced like a queen an epiphany in a uniform
white with delicate green stripes and a red logo
discreetly placed upon her chest: touchdown.
o the beauty of the cashier girl
she just might understand why rivers bend
with a smile like that. I want to ask her:
come with me, be all mine. But I donât. Instead
with arms full of supplies I get
into my car and drive. Itâs getting late.
My mouth is dry. A dusty trail is up ahead.
Up the ladder:
A most malodorous mockurance
Down the ladder:
Her Wildfire Addiction
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.625
Posted: June 12, 2005 1:26 AM PDT; Last modified: June 21, 2005 1:34 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.9749126 Overall Rank: 1340 Comments:
[8]
ALChemy @ 65.188.92.49
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12-Jun-05/7:00 PM
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Reply
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
I know. Bird droppings. One finger opinions. Poemranker folkore.
Quite nice images, but as has been said the first line isnt great and the last two words could be dropped, also wht change tense in the last stanza, it would work as well if not better if you stuck to the present I believe.
Drop the first line.
Second verse is good.
Dovina has a point. Amazing how dropping the first stanza fortifies the other three.
I only meant to drop the first line.
beautiful****
Much better. I wonder why just some of the sentences begin with capitals.
Much better.
I like it, funny, 8.5
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