poemranker ::on passing through some small town by Dental Panic

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Free verse № 126766

on passing through some small town

by Dental Panic

Member since 2005 · Posted 12 Jun 2005 · Edited 21 Jun 2005 · 11 comments

balanced like a queen an epiphany in a uniform white with delicate green stripes and a red logo discreetly placed upon her chest: touchdown. o the beauty of the cashier girl she just might understand why rivers bend with a smile like that. I want to ask her: come with me, be all mine. But I don’t. Instead with arms full of supplies I get into my car and drive. It’s getting late. My mouth is dry. A dusty trail is up ahead.

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mean 8.63 weighted 5.97 rank 1338 views 265 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

11 comments

[8] ALChemy 12-Jun-05/7:00 PM Reply
The first line is very cliche and the last line is redundant. But the rest of it I found nice with a few very pleasant surprises.
[8] ALChemy 12-Jun-05/7:06 PM Reply
PS. That ain't my vote I dont believe in zeros.
[n/a] Dental Panic › ALChemy 13-Jun-05/4:02 AM Reply
I know. Bird droppings. One finger opinions. Poemranker folkore.
[6] Blue Magpie 12-Jun-05/10:57 PM Reply
Quite nice images, but as has been said the first line isnt great and the last two words could be dropped, also wht change tense in the last stanza, it would work as well if not better if you stuck to the present I believe.


[8] Dovina 13-Jun-05/4:15 PM Reply
Drop the first line.

Second verse is good.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 13-Jun-05/4:44 PM Reply
Dovina has a point. Amazing how dropping the first stanza fortifies the other three.
[8] Dovina › deleted user 13-Jun-05/4:58 PM Reply
I only meant to drop the first line.
[9] Prince of Void 21-Jun-05/2:05 PM Reply
beautiful****
[8] Dovina 21-Jun-05/7:20 PM Reply
Much better. I wonder why just some of the sentences begin with capitals.
[8] ALChemy 21-Jul-05/7:22 AM Reply
Much better.
[9] tadpole 4-Oct-05/7:00 PM Reply
I like it, funny, 8.5