Replying to a comment on:

on passing through some small town (Free verse) by Dental Panic

balanced like a queen an epiphany in a uniform white with delicate green stripes and a red logo discreetly placed upon her chest: touchdown. o the beauty of the cashier girl she just might understand why rivers bend with a smile like that. I want to ask her: come with me, be all mine. But I don’t. Instead with arms full of supplies I get into my car and drive. It’s getting late. My mouth is dry. A dusty trail is up ahead.

Blue Magpie 12-Jun-05/10:57 PM
Quite nice images, but as has been said the first line isnt great and the last two words could be dropped, also wht change tense in the last stanza, it would work as well if not better if you stuck to the present I believe.






Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001