zodiac
replying on YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe
6 Dec 2005, 5:54 AM
Several parts of your poem remind me of the time I tried to do this:
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
That's funny. I'll remember not to do that next time.
Well I thought that it suited this poem as I was writing in a sequence of poems based on tarot symbols and the first one was The Fool. Also the poem is about a foolish person who invests all their happiness in another person and so is disappointed.
There's a great deal that I like about this poem. The form is interesting and I like how it looks on the page. Sometimes the language could work harder - e.g.hiding tears in the rain is a cliche.
We're used to things being messy. I blame nentwined's fixed-width font fixation for most of poemranker's intrinsic messiness. Yours was the third all-caps title I'd read in as many poems; that's why I asked.
I must say that I like this: teh build up of character. Perhaps some words and phrases are not working hard enough, like 'carrying himslef as if on a breeze'. You could be more specific here maybe'. I would also like to have more concrete happenings described.
Nothing. We're easily distracted.
Does it bother you that the form you're taking seriously was invented as a mockery of serious form? I mean, I don't see why it would, I'm just curious. I think you're a better writer than Billy Collins, by the way.
Sorry I never know whether to capitalize or not but if there's a thing about it rould here I won't. I guess I use them because I often use epigraphs and funny little bits of info at teh beginning of poems so I use caps to make it look less messy.
Yes that's right. I came across the paradelle recently. I really like the repetition and how something comes to new meaning by being repeated. Maybe it is a bit long, but what should I cut?
Good combination of rhyme without losing substance. The only part which let it down is :As my zombified body
eats my brain.
Yet it does make a strong point without being said as strongly as you could. 8
How dare you steal from those poor Mexicans selling oranges on the street. They need every penny they can get to buy soap.
Damn! That's a really bad case of Peyronie's disease.
I think perhaps due to lack of clarity on my part you are likening this and "Dark's Nest" to metallica songs since they use repetition and simple dark vocabulary; however if you care to look, there is a lot more going on in these than an expulsion of anger to a few grinding riffs, and I think you have missed this. In order to express the picture as I wish to express it, the piece needs to contain each of the concepts involved. The only verse that is of extra length is the last, and this is to exaggerate the final nature of the last line; I would not consider reducing this in size. I have found haku's and short poems cute, but generally they provoke only one idea, and are over before you have had a chance to get into reading the piece, so you are advocating that style to the wrong ears (unless you can come up with examples that will allow me to reconsider)
Cute, nothing more, nothing less... for that reason I dont particularly like this, but have had an enjoyable read, that I will forget quite quickly I am sad to say.
Too much to think about for me to want to dive in and try to understand it (especially in the morning).
Pleasantly Confusing
Well I'm no Dark Angel but...
It's a staple in commercial graphics. Which has a lot to do with why many people don't think of graphic designers as "real artists".
Nice. It didn't floor me but it's nicely done.