poemranker ::Night Shift by ALChemy

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Free verse № 129866

Night Shift

Member since 2005 · Posted 21 Aug 2005 · 7 comments

Empty head syndrome plagues me lately. That man of stone with bad posture and Rodin have won my sympathy. I earn my keep while others sleep and sleep while birds are singing. I live in the hours of dreams and dreams are how I'm thinking. Beethoven’s bird calls to me as I finish the last of my labors. His high pitched Fifth echoes in my cerebral chambers. In predawn glow I pass between the buildings. Leary of rabid raccoons and weary. Concrete’s unyielding. My feet are wearing their bones on the outside. My senses being woven into cocoons. While formaldehyde pop machines keep things popping. As my zombified body eats my brain. When I’m finished mopping I’ll be on the road and home again... sleeping.

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mean 6.86 weighted 5.50 rank 2754 views 260 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

7 comments

[9] Bethy 21-Aug-05/10:32 AM Reply
EXCELLENT!!!
[7] Dovina 22-Aug-05/10:15 AM Reply
Good description. A few unnecessary words, I think. For example, "My senses being woven into cocoons" could be "senses woven into cocoons"

[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 23-Aug-05/1:00 AM Reply
Good point. I'll try omitting some of those words like the "are" in "My feet are wearing..." and "as" in "As my zombified..." and then I'll see if it still holds it's rythm. I'll get back to you on that.
[7] Stephen Robins 22-Aug-05/10:52 AM Reply
Immense.
[9] Quarton 20-Sep-05/10:50 AM Reply
Neat poem. Some great lines buy perhaps a bit wordy in some parts as Dovina mentioned. A solid nine.
[8] Caducus 6-Dec-05/3:46 AM Reply
Good combination of rhyme without losing substance. The only part which let it down is :As my zombified body
eats my brain.

Yet it does make a strong point without being said as strongly as you could. 8
[n/a] ALChemy › Caducus 6-Dec-05/8:36 AM Reply
Yeah, It's suppose to bounce off "formaldehyde" in meaning and in rhyme. A case of a little sacrifice of substance for sound.
Thanks Cad. Let me know if you come up with any suggestions.