Re: Quiet Hands by Sunny	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:42 PM
Clocks should almost never be used in poetry. Especially not as symbols of time stopping or moving on.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Niphredil 132.69.238.221	30-Mar-06/1:41 PM
<bangs head on wall>. I think I'll switch to 'aardvark feet'. or 'platypus feet'. Those make for excellent poetic phrases and I bet nobody's used them before.
Re: SHOT by tisa7	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
"me" doesn't rhyme with "already." Sorry, that probably makes you want to die even more.
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:40 PM
Yes, a very smooth edit. It works much better as a piece of prose. I feel that maybe in a couple of places you'd do well to add in an occasional shorter sentence to link the longer passages together a little more clearly; but see how other people read this first. Also, you could seperate the last bit from the rest: '...the regulars left their tips And he ordered himself his first drink.'
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:39 PM
This is sweet. I would delete the word "me" almost every time it appears, though.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:38 PM
Blake.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:37 PM
Yes. I was about to say that. Sorry, Niphredil, that phrase is permanently spoken for.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	Niphredil 132.69.238.221	30-Mar-06/1:35 PM
I would only change "You make my day" to something a little more original. Otherwise, it's happy and very sweet. I'm glad you're experimenting with different types of poetry!
Re: Cat Feet by Niphredil	Niphredil 132.69.238.221	30-Mar-06/1:32 PM
I wonder, if I was to change the first line to a stanza: "They tell me that I can't hear anymore. And I think, how silly; Can't they see that, lately, Everyone has grown cat feet."
Re: Old Friend by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Mar-06/1:21 PM
I like this alot but the last line seems like it's just a filler. Everything else is so personal and sincere that the last line with it's cliche`ness comes across like a Halmark card. Maybe something like "Is as surely as your distance grows".
Re: a comment on Time Thief by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Mar-06/1:08 PM
You're not from Tennesee?
Re: a comment on Ghosts of years (rhymey edit) by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	30-Mar-06/1:01 PM
When I started reading the first few lines with their long sentenced rhyme scheme it reminded me of Benny Hill. Maybe this will give you some ideas for lightening your poem up. http://www.lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/e/erniethefastestmilkmaninthewest.shtml You might have to copy and paste, it's a long url.
Re: Quiet Hands by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:00 PM
Niphredil got it spot on by suggesting you don't repeat words (not so soon, anyway). I also found it interesting that the first stanza could be put directly in front of the last, and with the addition of a little punctuation it would work nicely. I'd love to see if you could apply this to the whole poem; work it so that any stanza could lead straight into any other. I found the line breaks a little disruptive, but that could easily just be my way of reading it.
Re: Time Thief by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	30-Mar-06/12:55 PM
I think I liked your 'fishy' poem better. This seems a bit disconnected on the whole and I wasn't really impressed compared to quite a few writes of yours. Probably you aught ot edit it , although I don't know exactly how. I'm still not clear on what you had in mind while writing this.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/12:53 PM
Beautiful, one too many 'loves' though, maybe replace the second one with something else. Other than that, I'm not going to complain about something as sweet as this.
Re: A Melody by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/12:50 PM
Smoothly done, violent like a game. The imagery is very strong (as with most of your stuff, come to think of it!)
Re: The Beautiful Lover by Caducus	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	30-Mar-06/12:48 PM
Cool!
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	30-Mar-06/12:46 PM
drnick and ecargo.... I hope you find this a good change. Enjoy!
Re: Kristi's Quiescence by matt door	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/12:45 PM
'Her saddest smile...' got me going, I feel there's more waiting to be said from there. However, I also think it would spoil the swift beauty of this one. I really like the brevity of it, although I'm not convinced by the first two lines. Still a very pleasant read.
Re: Old Friend by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/12:41 PM
Cool stuff, I thought the first line of stanza 2 was a bit unoriginal and didn't quite fit with the rest of that stanza. I like the rhyme scheme and the quick rhythm of it. 'My mind cannot fathom even in post-graduate fashion' is a smart line. I actually think the last stanza might just about hold up...but ecargo is right that it doesn't sound right when read.