Re: The Beautiful Lover by Caducus	matt door 65.32.138.73	30-Mar-06/8:18 PM
I like this - last line could be better - still very good! "deceits" should be deceit's. -8-
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	Sunny 66.69.36.222	30-Mar-06/7:32 PM
I know you are full of commentary on this one, but I think I'll take a stabb at one, after reading your poem & other's comments...Their were quite a bit of references that I didn't "get," like when the dog turned blue...I have to say that is pretty hard translate that into a siren's lights-too random & out of the blue for me at least. I must admit I had my difficulties with "neon reapers" as well :( I did however, think this poem was well thought out & surfaces a man's best friend/ love emotion, that brilliantly contrasted with human greed-inevitable human greed. It touched me, not going to lie. I might be a sap for that, but because it was able to surface a little emotion after I read it, I give you two thumbs up on this one :) ~Sunny
Re: a comment on Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/7:25 PM
I know the categorical “you”’s are many. They really mean “I” as you know. But saying “I” all the time would have given the poem a personal character that I didn’t entirely want. Using “you” projects my feelings about divorcing Tennessee onto the audience, as if the same feelings might come to them if they had had this experience. You could call that approach didactic, I suppose. But I think it can work well. Not saying I totally succeeded. Thanks for the comment.
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	Sunny 66.69.36.222	30-Mar-06/7:16 PM
I had to see what all the hype was about, jk! No, I actually wanted to read some of your writings since you have been so observant & helpful to me in my own. You were tight in a lot of lines, but I couldn't help but have a problem with all the "you's". Yes, I will through in one once in a while for effect, but they run rampant over this piece. I am not the one missing Tennessee, & I am not the one wanting to smell wood smoke afterall...you are. What made me vote the way I did, your clarity in theme, staying tightly to your theme & I did like the examples of what you missed about your home; you were able to "show the reader, not tell". You know that no-no in poetry. Interesting read overall Dovina. ~Sunny
Re: Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/7:12 PM
The title is beautiful but I think you meant Sterling not Stearling. Also this is not free verse. Free verse doesn't have a rhyme pattern this poem does- AABB. Don't give yourself anonymous 10's or ask your friends to, it's not worth losing your dignity. Are you serious about learnig to write poetry or are you just experimenting?
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/6:57 PM
red·neck n. Offensive Slang 1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class. 2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	god'swife 71.103.98.44	30-Mar-06/6:53 PM
#1 It's obviously not something I'm disguising as a play, I'm not disguising anything. You moron. #2 Which of my poems resemble this pretentious, pompous drivel? #3 I was checking your page to look at your other poems, not because I was interested in your user info. #4 There is nothing you could do to bother me. I am not asking for specific or useful remarks. I am asking WHICH of my poems you are discribing. You moron. #5 In my critique of your style I gave you specific and useful reasons why your poems are corny at best, and I have probably even left some positive comments when there was something positive to say about your poems, as I have always done to any poem I've commented on. So, no I don't know how other people feel when I criticize them without giving any specific and useful remarks because I have never done that. On the other hand, I do know how to consider any specific or useful criticisms of my style or technique as valid observations. You incredible, incredible moron. p.s. You don't have to be from the South to be a redneck.
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/6:48 PM
So, is this an attempt to change yourself, or do you really prefer books to men?
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/2:23 PM
East by southeast, or about 292 degrees south azimuth. Carry on.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/2:14 PM
Double yawn.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/2:07 PM
"like zodiac trying to figure which way Mecca is from fairbanks"
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/2:03 PM
I think "Waking Hours" would make a better title than a first line. Comma after "aimlessly" Comma after "me" Period after "more" Comma after "go"
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:57 PM
'It was quiet, like the clattering of non-existent saucepans'.
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Mar-06/1:55 PM
Stanza 3 is hilarous, and the 2nd line of that stanza is pure genuis!
Re: a comment on Time Thief by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	30-Mar-06/1:51 PM
Read "Divorcing Tennessee" to find out what it was like moving from there to California. I have another poem about that traumatic time ready to post, but must wait the obligatory five hours.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:49 PM
It would help if you thought of something truly original to describe things happening quietly.
Re: Time Thief by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:48 PM
The weird half-rhymes in the first stanza are good. The repetition of "time" at the ends of lines is not. Nor is the digression about Islamic cartoonists. The last stanza's tidy, didactic, silly, Benjamin Franklinesque, and unnecessary if you'd done your job in the first four stanzas.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Niphredil 132.69.238.221	30-Mar-06/1:46 PM
Seriously though, would it help if I switched to 'cat paws'? It seems a little awkward.
Re: Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:46 PM
Not bad. I would shorten or tweak the "brothers" line and end the sentence after "walls". The internal rhyme in the first stanza is especially good.
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	zodiac 209.193.18.128	30-Mar-06/1:44 PM
This is full of bad language, mixed metaphors, and factual errors. Also, ending a poem with a question is never a good idea.