Re: a comment on Deliberate Exclusion by MacFrantic	MacFrantic 129.82.152.250	5-Sep-06/12:39 PM
Actually, I am indicating that the love is gone. The kiss is one-sided, and she just goes along with it, hence "illusions." I can see that the spark is gone, but she won't admit it. She still speaks lovingly, a lie. She is no longer a lover, but a friend. The deliberate exclusion would be Love, but I won't try to change her.
Re: Deliberate Exclusion by MacFrantic	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	5-Sep-06/9:52 AM
Let me see if I get this. Are you saying, in a most tortuous manner, that you refuse to close your eyes when you kiss her? If so, then I like the idea and the way you chose to express it, although the usage "my friend" is misleading if you are referring to a lover. If not... well then I really didn't get it, and clarification would be welcome :-) In any case, I think that there should be a stronger connection between the first and second parts of the poem (which are separated by "But I'm not complaining..."). I felt slightly jarred by the rough, seemingly unconnected transition.
Re: Aisle by the bread counter by Caducus	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	5-Sep-06/9:45 AM
Nice, but why capitalize Mother, Father and Aisles? I don't get the connection. Besides, when you write "and he remembered his Father" it's got a priestly, not a fatherly connotation.
Re: the poem reads me by daggatolar	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	5-Sep-06/9:42 AM
bore me not me means of pointless poem to bore not me.
Re: From Across the Line by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	5-Sep-06/6:12 AM
Wow D. Looks like you haven't come up with something really really good in a long time until now. Cheers.
Re: a comment on Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm	A_Dark_Calm 71.75.188.163	5-Sep-06/6:06 AM
I must agree with you. It's newly written and needs some polishing. By the way, spot on with the Marlowe reference. I had sent her that very poem just before writing this one. I'm quite impressed Niphredil.
Re: Coyote Sunsets by DamienDen	Niphredil 132.68.61.185	5-Sep-06/1:28 AM
First of all, I love the last line. Love it! ~ I would correct, if I were you, the third stanza. It's not really gramatically correct, and the lines seem detached from one another. I don't really care for the Buddha reference - it conjures up images of a place and time completely unrelated to the canyon bluffs you're describing. Plus although the "night" line is good, it doesn't seem to fit in with the following coyote sunset - after all, night has already fallen, why bother talking about the sunset? You've got some terrific imagery here, though. Almost every line has something to appreciate; I really enjoyed your poem. keep writing!
Re: With Old Light by Ranger	Niphredil 132.68.61.185	5-Sep-06/1:20 AM
Ah, a poeme of ye olde pastoral Englande, before the wicked industrial revolution came to turn it into a haunt of machinery and smog! Wait, wait, I saw a reference to a tractor. Scratch that. Stanzas 2,3,4 are my favorite, and despite all the criticism you've been getting about mixed metaphors, they are similar - because they all speak of nostalgia; of loss, and of what is left after the flurry of activity dies away. I loved the windmills rotting within, although could not dislodge fleeting association of Don Quixote, which I doubt you were aiming at. Stanza 5 is trickier. You've got the first reference to machinery, which would cause the reader (or at least, me) to perk up his proverbial ear. Although the first two lines fit in with the atmosphere of the previous stanzas, the rest are different and evoke action - engines are revving. You mention "craft and cunning", which in their turn imply action; the skyline sharpens (day is coming?). I do not care for stanza 6, because it doesn't seem to fit in. I think it could probably be omitted, if you were to change the end of stanza 5. First and closing stanzas are obviously very similar - heather, twilight, and two people. You should probably watch the twilight bit because stanza 6 is referring to the dawn, which might be temporally confusing... They're terrific, of course, but I can't rid myself of the feeling that I've seen them, or something similar before. If I remember, I'll tell you; perhaps it's something in the unallayed peace and sweetness. I would personally prefer some imperfection in the final stanza, in order to connect it with the rest of the poem - for instance, a scene in which you are walking in wilted heather, the honeybees gone - but still together. It would fit in better, I feel, with the general "fading" of the poem. But of course you do realize these are all comments on a masterly piece of work, right? 9 for now. With slight polish and rework, this would be a most beautiful 10.
Re: Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm	Niphredil 132.68.61.185	5-Sep-06/1:00 AM
Two last lines reminiscent of Marlowe: "Come live with me and be my Love". Nevertheless, I still like them *winks* two thumbs up. Sonnets kick ass - people should write more of them. Stuff to be polished: - "grateful hurry" - doesn't work for me. Why would it be grateful if the universe is being destroyed? - "and nothing here for me can be enjoyed" - too cumbersome.
Re: a comment on Buttocks. by Ulterius	Ranger 86.142.241.178	4-Sep-06/11:48 PM
In the world of literary criticism, correct usage of a word is of absolute importance. In the world of poemranker, I guess it's slightly less so ;-)
Re: Singing by ThereseWaneck	Ranger 86.142.241.178	4-Sep-06/11:45 PM
"A sweet sad song" didn't really seem to fit after the thunder/lightning/rock passage. Unless I missed something, which is highly plausible. I like the last three lines, but how about just "Slickly/step-step-steppin' to the storm/of the rain song's beat"?
Re: From Across the Line by Dovina	Ranger 86.142.241.178	4-Sep-06/11:40 PM
Glorious
Re: Steve Irwin by Bobjim	Ranger 86.142.241.178	4-Sep-06/11:40 PM
Or barbed through the heart by a stingray. *A minute's silence at the passing of a legend*
Re: Singing by ThereseWaneck	Dovina 70.38.78.229	4-Sep-06/6:46 PM
I like the flow of this, but think some of the straight lines (lines that don't end in "in'") could be be shortened or made light: Thunder drums Lightening strikes An instrumental sweep
Re: a day of reparations by peaceseeker	Dovina 70.38.78.229	4-Sep-06/6:42 PM
You were done an injustice back in December. This is really good, and it was discarded as lesser poems were praised. "dignified behind the line you drew" is great.
Re: Exposing Anne Frank by Caducus	ThereseWaneck 66.218.24.86	4-Sep-06/5:39 PM
Excellent flow and a nice use of metaphors. I enjoyed a well-written piece!
Re: Exposing Anne Frank by Caducus	Dovina 70.38.78.229	4-Sep-06/4:14 PM
You have arroused me to wish I had time to read Anne Frank's diary. Maybe someday I will.
Re: a comment on Royal Blades by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	4-Sep-06/3:58 PM
I can’t skate either, not very well, not anymore. It’s turning time back to when I could and when I didn’t write poetry, and putting then and now together for best bragging. And you thought your mind was slightly deranged.
Re: Royal Blades by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	4-Sep-06/12:59 PM
Hmmmmm , Nice scene..... and if only the poetry bunch could see her now? wow.
Re: Felice Et Eroticum Est. by Ulterius	Engelbert Humpalot 194.154.22.38	4-Sep-06/10:10 AM
I love a bit of learning.