Re: End of day poem by ecargo	zodiac 152.18.33.190	8-Sep-06/10:03 AM
Nice. Like richa, with rhythm.
Re: When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot	pete 195.92.168.166	8-Sep-06/8:02 AM
made me laugh i'm ashamed to admit ....
Re: the poem reads me by daggatolar	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Sep-06/5:21 PM
I like wordplay, but not sure what you're going for here.
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Sep-06/5:07 PM
Okay--as promised, I did come back to this. And, no, no--there's enough miserable verse, in every sense, available! I'm still ambivalent about the wealth of metaphors/images--you are right that they are all pastoral, and most are really effective. I love the gentle declines of rusted gates and fraying fabrics--still usable, but inexorably fading. I also like the nostalgia of this, the not-overdone sense of regret and moving forward and fond remembrance. I want this to be more metered--it's almost iambic pentameter, but your stresses fall apart in places (and I'm not saying it has to be straight iambs, which is hard to do without sounding stilted). For example, compare this lovely stanza (pretty much straight iambic pentameter): When the rivers claim a cargo of lost jewels To ferry them o'er distant plain and crest While the trees can only watch in silent schools And shiver at the spindle wind, undressed I will try to gather up a gleaming pool Then see it slip through fingers tightly pressed With this, which seems more awkward: When the vineyards grow a grape to make a potion Of nostalgia and a sorrow for what's lost When I drink to lonely days and sad devotion And every hour is a cobweb flecked with frost On the rusted gateway of a silly notion Then our last words will disperse - with no riposte. It's sooo close. I want it to be there. Okay, my little nits aside, this is nicely done in tone and technique--you've written an olde tymey pastoral poem that doesn't sound horribly dated or terribly derivative, which is quite a feat. You've come a long way, baby. ;)
Re: Chronicles of a wannabe chav by Mr Pig	Ranger 86.131.55.205	7-Sep-06/1:17 PM
Oh, mister P, once again you give us an amusing reflection on modern life. If only this could be turned into a full-length epic of beauty, barbarism and Burberry...
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.55.205	7-Sep-06/1:00 PM
I think, really, you're spot on. I wanted to believe that stanza 6 could work, but really knew it wouldn't - at least if I change it there'll be room for a connecting stanza. It'd also remove the temporal issue (again, you're right about and I tried to make myself think it would work). I love the idea of making the last stanza flawed...perhaps if I changed 'free of knot or tether' it might work? I couldn't say where you might have seen this before, although I wouldn't be surprised if you've found similar in Kipling or Milne (big influences :-D). I guarantee the work is my own though ;-) Once more, thank you for reading and suggesting ideas, you're always so kind about my writing :-)
Re: a comment on Dying Abroad by zodiac	Niphredil 132.68.204.234	7-Sep-06/3:15 AM
Yes! I thought Jabberwocky as well, and even checked the original ("O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!") but felt it slightly too silly to mention...
Re: A Fucking Kinky Homecoming by Edna Sweetlove	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.217.159	6-Sep-06/7:19 PM
THIS IS MY FUCKING BEST POEM. EVER. ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE IS AN ANUS. I ONLY WANT 10/10 - ALL OTHERS GO SUCK.
Re: Small Teeth in a Glass Bowl by Fear of Garbage	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.217.159	6-Sep-06/7:14 PM
I love a dental stump up my bumhole
Re: Flour by MacFrantic	Dovina 12.72.42.240	6-Sep-06/2:59 PM
Yeah, I've been to those headstones, and seen that flour on her face. I've felt a mind crwoded with those thoughts. But I think the funky line ends and punctuation are attempst to shourd the impossible thing to say in poetic mystery, and it's easily seen through.
Re: a comment on From Across the Line by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.42.240	6-Sep-06/1:55 PM
Gloriously dismal predicament.
Re: Exposing Anne Frank by Caducus	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	6-Sep-06/12:10 PM
Are you Dan Brown?
Re: Dying Abroad by zodiac	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	6-Sep-06/12:00 PM
"fractious day" reminds me of Jabberwocky. "Slip sibilant over the fields" doesn't really make sense but "Slip over the sibilant fields" would. The whole poem makes me think of the death scene at the end of Gladiator.
Re: Dying Abroad by zodiac	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	6-Sep-06/9:36 AM
Fantastic. This goes on my fave list. I re-read it to myself just so I could hear the rhythm out loud.
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	Ranger 86.142.241.175	5-Sep-06/11:55 PM
Superb, another favourite :-D
Re: Dying Abroad by zodiac	Ranger 86.142.241.175	5-Sep-06/11:51 PM
Unbelievably good. 'Slip sibilant...' - reference to the sound of crickets? I thought it worked well. But then again, so did the rest of the piece.
Re: A Year Later (edited a bit) by Sasha	Ranger 86.142.241.175	5-Sep-06/11:40 PM
One of the best villanelles I've read on the ranker - very traditional feel to it which gets bonus points :-) I'd find an alternative for the first 'shiver' in the final stanza, and you missed the last 'to' (that's not a criticism though, just a pedantic observation ;-)) Only other whinge I have is about the exclamation marks - personally I hate them in most poetry, but you might feel they're necessary to stay in keeping with the style. That's fair enough I guess, I won't derank it on that alone. Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)
Re: a comment on From Across the Line by Dovina	Ranger 86.142.241.175	5-Sep-06/11:21 PM
Que?
Re: a comment on From Across the Line by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	5-Sep-06/4:32 PM
Dismal
Re: a comment on From Across the Line by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	5-Sep-06/4:31 PM
I had to laugh at the way you phrased that. But thanks.