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A Fucking Kinky Homecoming (Free verse) by Edna Sweetlove
I had been up in Edinburgh in bonnie Scotland On a blissfully boozy business trip And was flying back to my home in London (not flying myself, you should understand I was just a fucking passenger in a ‘plane) When (as Lady Luck would have it) I was seated next To this absolutely gorgeous hunk of manflesh With a very interesting-looking lump in his pants. We got to chatting and after a few G&Ts or four, The upshot was that he dragged me home with him (after I’d phoned my then faggy husband Bert and told him I was delayed and I knew, just knew, Bert would be off to the nearest toilets looking for some trade). I have to say my new bedmate was hung like a horse And he slipped me a couple of satisfactory lengths One in the puss and one where the sun don’t shine. Reflecting the huge amounts of booze we had demolished My airborne pick-up fell into a drunken stupor And his snores were enough to wake the bleeding dead So I thought, sod this for a lark, I’m out of here, And I grabbed my clobber, said I had to go, Called myself a cab and back to the airport To collect my waiting car and home I went Which is where I got (e’en to me) a slight surprise. In the days before fame and riches smiled on me I lived in a modest suburban house in Acacia Avenue So the ten-ton truck parked outside stood out a bit; I thought, ‘Bert wouldn’t, would he?’ but he had. I crept into the house, as quietly as a little mouse, And up the stairs I went to the master bedroom Which is what we called the one with full en-suite In those dear long-gone days of yesteryear. The bedside light was on and I peeped shyly round the door And what a wondrous sight was there revealed To my scarce-believing eyes and waiting Canon Sureshot. Hubby Bert was trussed up and gagged on our marital bed Whilst a hairy-arsed giant pounded into him from the rear Like a mighty piston working double overtime. I could tell he was a really high-class trucker As he was still wearing his official Eddie Stobart hat. Now you might think most women would be offended To find their spouse acting thus, for sex, up-ended; But I am Edna Sweetlove and am made of sterner stuff. So, fighting back my gag reflex (but only just), I took a few quick snaps for the family photo album, Smiled ‘Hello, and don’t let me interrupt you for a moment, dears’. And, so having said, took out my ever-waiting bullwhip To give them both the lovely thrashing they deserved.

Up the ladder: Dr. Skellington
Down the ladder: may 18

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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10  .. 521
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.5609756
Weighted score: 6.560905
Overall Rank: 634
Posted: September 6, 2006 7:17 PM PDT; Last modified: September 6, 2006 7:17 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.217.159 | 6-Sep-06/7:19 PM | Reply
THIS IS MY FUCKING BEST POEM. EVER. ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE IS AN ANUS. I ONLY WANT 10/10 - ALL OTHERS GO SUCK.
[10] Ulterius @ 82.46.97.41 | 9-Sep-06/2:26 AM | Reply
What a lovely homecoming! I must say, your life sounds far more exciting than mine. However, I must be an anus, because 'Farting In A Cathedral' still gets me every time, and is my favourite of your poems. Perhaps it is the highly amusing audio version of it which helps.
[n/a] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.234.217 > Ulterius | 9-Sep-06/2:30 AM | Reply
But you gave it 10. I like 10. Inches. On the slack.
[10] Ulterius @ 82.46.97.41 > Edna Sweetlove | 9-Sep-06/2:55 AM | Reply
Of course I gave it ten. It's still very, very funny, even if it doesn't quite live up to its predecessor.
[10] Sing4Jesus! @ 85.210.211.16 | 13-Sep-06/5:54 PM | Reply
Very classy versification!
[0] deleted user @ 65.175.177.241 | 8-Mar-07/9:18 AM | Reply
fantasmic
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