Re: a comment on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.44.205	24-Sep-06/7:31 PM
I agree on putting “abused” at the front of a new line. I’ll look at rewarking some of the other verbs too. Changing the verbs to present tense, though, takes from the antiquated feeling I’m trying for. Picture a brass plaque set in a concrete monument beside the bicycle lane in downtown Carpinteria. I doubt if it will ever be there, but it should. Thanks for the comment and vote.
Re: Normality by colbaby	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/7:29 PM
"And I’ve lost another shoelace in this giant vat of beer." just when i was ready to write it off as a futile exercise, that line saves the poem. Normality is not grammatically incorrect, but it's generally referred to as normalcy. not that that's a good thing.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/7:23 PM
pleasant blankverse. the first two stanzas paint a moving, deliberate picture, and i'm waiting for the payoff, but the final strophe doesn't quite deliver. after "earthen pitch," it reads like you're trying to jam too much information into a space that won't hold it. i'm all for clever metaphors, but in this case i think you need to leave the leaping lizards and passing insects. readdress the ending more literally and bring your main idea into focus.
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/7:12 PM
jumping off buildings Just to part the crowd i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
Re: Her Eyes by Fayt	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/6:35 PM
love, from above? i know you're constrained by the sonnet form, but if i were you i'd scrap the last two lines and write something completely different. it almost sounds as if you just ran out of things to say and regressed to the least common denominator. push yourself!
Re: Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/6:33 PM
funny that someone mentioned rap. i'd really like to hear how this fits a beat and groove. and if it doesn't, change it so it does. for example, "you can go ahead and sound the alarm" could be shortened to "go n' sound the alarm." just an example.
Re: Pain by PoeticJustice	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/6:29 PM
a homocidal arsonist poem? maybe you're just too far ahead of me, but i'm having trouble taking something meaningful from it. i know you have an endrhyme scheme that you feel you need to follow, but before it rhymes this has to bring something more evocative. don't tell about the anger. show it.
Re: a comment on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/6:23 PM
and maybe more present tense instead of past tense. try it.
Re: The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/6:21 PM
damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!
Re: a comment on Her Eyes by Fayt	Fayt 71.166.11.210	24-Sep-06/5:35 PM
sorry, posted this rather quickly after i wrote it. Fixed.
Re: a comment on Her Eyes by Fayt	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.215.108	24-Sep-06/4:52 PM
Ignore that patronising rubbish. The poem's OK but would be improved by correcting the spelling errors.
Re: Her Eyes by Fayt	Dovina 12.72.44.136	24-Sep-06/2:49 PM
Here you have writen an outline for the essence of a poem. It is not a poem, but good thoughts that you can make into a poem. Nice start.
Re: a comment on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.44.136	24-Sep-06/2:46 PM
Thnaks for the zero-balancing ten, but how about a comment on the poem. We all know Edna is dim.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	Ranger 86.131.47.16	24-Sep-06/12:33 PM
Heh
Re: a comment on Fun At The Gynaecologists by Edna Sweetlove	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.199.12	24-Sep-06/10:22 AM
Hello Vince I congratulate you on your dreadful spelling and lousy typing; people who try to give patronising and pompous advice to their elders and betters should try to get the basics right. I'd be grateful if you got lost.
Re: a comment on Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	24-Sep-06/8:31 AM
no need to clarify. as i said, i assumed the name was true to your experience (i.e. the actual name of a real club). but as picasso said, art is a lie that shows us the truth. In my opinion it'd be better for the purposes of your poem to pretend it was a club with a different name.
Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	Ranger 86.145.25.247	24-Sep-06/4:41 AM
Ever heard of a dictionary?
Re: a comment on Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice	Ranger 86.145.25.247	24-Sep-06/4:38 AM
Cheers, PoeticJustice. Thanks for appreciating the time I spent actually reading and thinking about this poem. Bearing in mind that this site is called PoemRanker, what do you think the main purpose is? To rank poems, or to rank feelings? I'm sorry if this makes me sound like an insensitive knob, it's not meant to, but I mean it. What do you want, a genuine reflection on your poem, or ego stroking? If you are looking to improve poetically, this place is pretty good. If you just want to put down everything you feel and assume it counts as poetry that people will want to read, it's not such a good place. Trust me, that's how I started out. But then, everybody's got to start somewhere, it just depends where you want to go. Good luck with your writing, whichever direction you take. P.S. - don't worry about any shitty comment or vote you get from Edna Sweetlove or any associated crony. We all get that.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 86.145.25.247	24-Sep-06/4:28 AM
You're right; most of my work sacrifices a certain amount of clarity for nice language. It's something I'm working on - slowly, but surely finding out how much work it's reasonable to make the reader do. In this one the main theme is a storm passing across a field of sunflowers - it does need a lot of work though. Perhaps I got too carried away with metre - thanks for the comment :-)
Re: a comment on Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Ranger 86.145.25.247	24-Sep-06/4:24 AM
Sir Bunny, Edna is only here to irritate; the 'ironic English' demeanour is intended to lend weight to this in much the same way that -=Dark_Angel=- managed it. Unfortunately, Sweetlove has been neglecting the relevant -=Dark_Angel=- studies (and will therefore fail the end-of-semester -=Exam=-) which makes all 'Edna Sweetlove vulgar' poetry and comments fall under the category of 'irrelevant'. The best remedy for this sort of ailment is to ignore all such poems and comments, and instead talk to those of us who you might find remotely interesting. If the zeroes overly worry you, I will be more than happy to drop a ten your way to balance them out. Peace Ranger