Re: Better Things by EAger to Offend	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:18 AM
I personally love a good long slee[.
Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:15 AM
Love the breaking of broken and the flying of the flies. And presumably you're aiming for the breakages, the incompleteness making something whole and concrete?
Re: Field Work by Christof	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:13 AM
Marvellous to see you still alive and writing, Mr. C. This is clearly a poeme about doing something naughty.
Re: F Log-On by Skamper	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:12 AM
What exactly are you F-Logging? Make line 3 straight iambs ('fire into the midst') and perhaps the 'rolled sweated and panted' line wants rhythmic tweaking. Dovina's right about the rap-ness of this. Good poeme.
Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:09 AM
Aside from 'I found God inside her face' I rather like this.
Re: The wait by aliena	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:07 AM
The voices in my head are crying 'image! image!' Perhaps play around with the sound of 'poetry' and make it sound like 'pottery' - something being wiped off clay. I'd like that.
Re: I Am A Reality by Skamper	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:03 AM
I'd agree with Imp, this is lyrical. But less rap, less Bjork and more Emiliana Torrini.
Re: a comment on Tropical afternoon by cpill	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:00 AM
I always thought you were male. Oops.
Re: Tropical afternoon by cpill	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/5:00 AM
Not keen on 'shoulders sag' - it sounds like you give up on everything, whereas the rest of the poem is less like that. I'd change it to 'let the shoulders down', like you're letting blinds down on the windows, letting your guard down and a million other relaxed cliches. 'Menstruating sky' is hilarious.
Re: Resume by drnick	Ranger 81.152.176.129	21-Jun-07/4:55 AM
The funny thing with the first two stanzas is that they're a sort of guarded joy, almost like you don't expect anything to last, and it bothers you, whereas the next three stanzas sound like you don't care about that fact. It's much the same with starting 'game over' and ending 'now resume' - I like that facet. But, of course, good luck with it :-)
Re: He's Dead You Bastards (for zzinia) by scitz	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Jun-07/3:52 PM
he must really miss his friend to commit suicide to be with him.
Re: a comment on Between two Truths by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Jun-07/3:47 PM
looks like that same line bothered others also. agree with others also on the church/cars, except i think it works. it could be better not so much as colors of cars, but makes or models of cars. tho' i reckon theyr'll be a lotta ford pickups. maybe just "the kinds of churches like kinds of cars."
Re: Between two Truths by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Jun-07/3:42 PM
S2 L4/L5... the repeat of "comfort" is not as strong as it could be. maybe L4 starts "offers sanctuary ...". I would also end with a colon on L4 to deliver L5. an interesting look at a subculture of the US that i struggle to comprehend. i really believe i would have a hard time living there... so what's around the bend and over the next hill?
Re: a comment on The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.132.127	20-Jun-07/3:39 PM
It is a pointless word that didn't come out when I wrote this so I see no need to add it now - Interesting how automatic we are when reading something, finding it doesn't make sense if all the words aren't in the sequence we are used to.
Re: a comment on husk [hai-crete] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Jun-07/3:27 PM
"bro ken" is broken. hence [hai-crete] in the title.
Re: F Log-On by Skamper	Dovina 66.140.169.242	20-Jun-07/3:08 PM
Starts out like a rap. Would be nice to keep that going.
Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp	Dovina 66.140.169.242	20-Jun-07/3:05 PM
Broken could lose the space.
Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick	Dovina 66.140.169.242	20-Jun-07/3:02 PM
"hold" not "ahold" and a period after it. Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines. example: I've buried myself inside mistakes, Made myself a home, Here I'll hide forever, Secure and still alone.
Re: a comment on The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper	SupremeDreamer 72.11.95.174	19-Jun-07/6:37 PM
Perhaps, but still, why did you leave it out and insert a dash? Stutter effect?
Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick	lmp 141.154.134.3	19-Jun-07/12:22 PM
i'll comment later; i am intrigued by this one.