Dovina
on A poem crafted from the depths of my heart by capachijim
1 Aug 2004, 7:29 PM
Splendid!
A good thoughtful ramble.
Line 1, do you mean "your teeth"?
Might want to reconsider, "Whose money runs your immortality?" It throws in a new thought, maybe not needed. And if it's a sonnet, might want to reconsider the indentation and line break.
better saying for that is this below
Despairing seed into this depth of earth that is the arm of chaos
that's nice sonnet ..really
Blobby blob
I think it would be stronger if some lines were omitted. Try leaving these out:
Your in command,
no longer theirs,
are yours for your delights,
yours are the only ones you hear,
no complaints on how you good you are,
its like your the only one here,
The marketing campaign is working, I think. I hate you less and less.
But is your keyboard broken or something?
you are = you're
pretend that for every comma, you will loose 10 readers; take them all out and put them back where they are really, really needed.
Unless you are Kirk, then have at it.
a prepositional phrase slugfest. Should you try to cut down on that one thing, your poems will be better for it.
I want to use my other standard line about showing not telling, but then I'd start to sound rude. Can't have that.
I like the idea, btw, of painting this generic but lovely picture, then exposing a specific memorable element - but the rest of this is distracting me.
Conversation with deity is much like yelling at yourself in your head. Maybe itâs the same thing. In the first line, the believer asks who the great mind of god helps, implying that he has developed doubts and thinks there may not be such a mind. The answer, which I show as Godâs words, is my experience that such help comes in the present, inside us, to comfort the believer and not so much in the physical world as he wants to believe. Once he comes to this attitude, he becomes bewildered and asks why, or âWhy am I not able to deal with this?â And then the guilt falls on him for not having enough faith, which he interprets as god saying, âWhose fault is that?â After some groping, the believer decides that nothing can be relied upon. To which god answers, yes, but you cannot do without me because I made you with a need which only I can fill. Once the believer understands this he obtains a peace, which is beyond understanding, or without understanding or logic. I may not have earned more than an 8, but thatâs what I was groping with. Thanks.
Are you yelling at yourself in your head? This is what confuses/bugs me about this. 8 for now.
Wow! Being called out by a fellow poet to fight? How fellow can he be?
Even with the title, this works both ways. Ugh! I'm feeling girlish this morning.
I rather like it. I like the cadence but the 4th line os s-2 seems just a bit wordy. Excellent stanza though.
a nice poem ..we shoud learn from that
It will be -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
Why are you unbelievable nincompo'ops using Word to write plain text? Would you drive an aeroplane down the street to buy a News-paper? Yes, you would. And then you would log onto an Internet driving forum and complain that your car's wings kept "bumping into trees".
kinda a "bad thought" poem, think happy thoughts :D
I use [Shift]+[Enter] at the end of the lines - cuz I hate that, sometimes that "acrosticness" seems insanely noticable.
For what its worth, I didn't notice that on yours - until you said something. Now. Yep.
This has a nice cadence, btw. I think for me to make sense of it would require a little more analysis on my part - and then I might not agree with it, so - have an 8 for the benefit of the doubt.
Therapeutic?
Also, you don't have to copyright your poems here.
Oh well. Let he who is without error cast the first insult in my direction. Who will it be?