Dovina
replying on The Conception of a Dream by wilco
31 Jul 2004, 7:58 PM
Yeah, I use word too, and have to go back and de-capitalize.
Incidentally, did you notice the capitalized first letter of each line? Stupid Microsoft Word. Makes it look like I was trying to do some kind of fucked up Acrostic. lol.
nada.
makes sense. Chat is not working for me. How about you?
The vague and dreamy outcome of the mixture of Nyquil and Bourbon.
I've read this three times and it's still perplexing. First, I see so much variety that "Startlingly similar are the plains From one coast to the other" throws me. And why would the the goal of the wasted and youthful be to quiet these thoughts? Then comes a line I relate to and like: "to keep them in the forefront is the curse of the aged and foolish." The last verse I try to relate to the title and end up only vaguely able. Maybe it's supposed to be vague and dreamy.
Because I moved.
Well said.
you aint sposed to vote on yer own stuff, FR!
Has a 50's lyrical quality to it, and despite the indentations and easy sentiment, I like it.
Take Dovina's advice and lose the first satanza
See what happens when you post poetry that people don't enjoy reading. You get comments like that. This is better than "Dead" and doesn't have a bad idea behind it, but you need to work on your presentation.
"Remember the Day" isn't bad because it's descriptive and can give the reader a picture and an idea of what you're talking about. "Hiding" is okay because it makes a good point, even though its not stated very well, it still says something. This poem is just self loathing and does one of two things to the reader: 1) makes them feel bad for you and therefore they don't care what you're saying 2) makes them mad at you for making them read some depressing crap (in which case they also don't care what you're saying).
The thing to remember when posting poetry (and I need to take my own advice sometimes, don't get me wrong) is that you are placing it here for people to read and comment on. If you want them to read it and read your future postings, you have to make it something that they will enjoy reading, or at least remember.
You can't kill dead man.
I am not afraid to die.
Just don't muss my hair.
Really not a Haiku, but I'll give you a 4 for effort.
Well I have never cut myself...I am usually happy with my life, not always though. I have thought about suicide, never tried to act on those thoughts though. What is it that you like about my poetry and what is it you do not like about it?
I think if I was walking through a graveyard and the dead people started talking to me, I would get my ass out of there. I've seen way too many scary movies to know that when dead shit starts talking, it's time to go. That, or maybe you just forgot to take your Risperdal this morning...I don't know.
I realize that things get bad, sometimes, but I truly cannot understand cutters. I understand the concept, but I just really don't get it. I encourage you to change your life if you're not happy with it. As far as the poem goes, it's not very good. I have read some things by you that show promise but this is not it.
Haiku- 17 syllables, three lines, 5-7-5.
Even though
"You can not kill a
dead man and I am not a-
fraid to die, Buddy"
has the right syllable count, it doesn't stay true to form. I hate forms.
But I like a good line to say when I'm drunk at a bar and some other poet is calling me out(to fight, not to dance). Come to think about it, it works for either happenstance.-5-
A second kiss? Not one last roll in the hay? You get the -9- points because you didn't ask for a -69- before the bombshell drops her drawers.
To my wispy ears the undead are not dead people but those still alive. People around this poet are telling the poet to join them. The decision made to keep walking can mean suicide is imminent just as much as the idea of walking away from suicide is possible. The wispears of the living seem to have made the poet feel uncultivated (fallowed). A tip that the undead are alive is the line when the word "homicide" makes all fall silent. Ghosts or the living dead cannot fear homicide. I fear there is more here than meets the ear.
U no bedder dan dat.