horus8
replying on Ash by horus8
28 Oct 2004, 9:57 PM
Yeah, my son was deeply traumatized -- I, myself, have gone blind, and nearly choked to death on a dorito, thank you Ed.
It's about child abuse.
Sorry tree huggers.
i emailed you something scary. did you get it?
chunky
"art thou" "are you" I see what you mean. But I think it might throw off the beat a little. Let me spin it around in my head for a while and then I'll get back to you on it.
I didn't know there was a difference between the two.
I just liked the harder sound of "pray thee" and the omenous double meaning of the word Pray. To put the lines in quotations is a better idea. Forgive me for my bad punctuation. This is the type of criticism I like. This is something I can use.
And what, prithee, is an unnatural pearl? The second-last line breaks the rhythm -- fix it up, it suddenly turns plodding. Perhaps 'Thought not, you dem thoughtless wanker' would do.
Dear heavens that last line is bad. Unless it's a perfectly plotted last line to make us realise the whole thing's a joke, in which case it's quite brilliant. If (as I suspect) it's not, allow me to point something out: What would be sad would be if teen suicide WASN'T an issue. Its being an issue at least means someone's noticed. (The previous of course assumes one thinks suicide a bad thing.)
For some reason, I actually like everything but the last line of each stanza (except for the first, which doesn't quite count.)
Either change 'Pray thee' to 'Prithee' or keep the second person singular throughout the whole sentence (e. g.: 'Pray thee art thou sound in mind?'
This one seems to get alot of hits but no comments. Strange?
Very clever how in every second stanza the rhyme isn't true.
Flimsy.
That said, remember that just because posting doesn't necessarily mean you haven't been on the ranker, failing to log in might.
What are the chances tha yours and Horus8's houses both burned down and are posted as poems on the same day? Wonder...
Flimsy explanation: I've really just been too busy with the new job to get any writing done. Good enough?
That said, remember that just because I haven't been posting doesn't necessarily man I havn't been on the ranker.
Lord Byron couldn't tackle a cane that part timed as an opium pipe with a pair of birch tits carved into it.
But I agree with you on your other observations.
What makes you think you can slither away without a word, and come waltzing back a month later without so much as a flimsy explanation. I'm melted by "special thanks" though and can only say, Welcome Back.
This is a very funny take-off on "A Better God" and also quite profound if you want to open discussions on whether such a god exists, and if so, whether he sends hurricanes, earhtquakes and plagues in anger. Your last two lines pretty well sum up where such discussions end.
This "darkangel" is a literary genius. Leave him alone. He's clearly a bummer with no friends. Apart from his poetry. Which is incredible and should be published.
I assume you draw on some of the poetic greats of years gone by. If Byron were alive today, I truly believe that he would be tackling these very issues.