-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Now you're inside my heart by elizabethann
29 Oct 2004, 4:48 PM
Much like the unsavoury whoosh emitted when one inserts one's foot into a wellington.
By flinging a packet of bakewell tarts into a homeless shelter and running away in terror
a floppy, shaven walrus clit
you have an ugly face
Like a song of hope that deviates from the thing hoped for, covering it over in pretty prose. If child abuse is the object of god's wrath, then this is hardly how it resolves. A more forceful ending seems appropriate.
This defies standard suicidal parameters. Particularly the -many footpritnts. I think I've heard skin of water somewhere. Um, Blend the first stanza, 'liminate
the -but-. I honestly don't know the first thing about using line breaks, but for some reason I don't like the way this is laid out.
Glad to see you stopped by.
Like this?
call upon the wrath of god
for the sword he yields is truth
and through his word procure
A spot of holy ground
and the seed you sow may grow and bloom
into something that is pure
Great images. Good conclusion. The last stanza breaks up a little but the last 3 lines redeem it. 9
Here's a suggestion: punctuate.
Normally I don't give away the meanings but in this case I made an exception. Hoping it would make the reader re-read the poem and thus think about it more. Many poems use the first line as a title. The Use of King James English is in reflection of the biblical reference. If one of your lines is in latin does the rest of it have to be? Line 3ofS2 Give me a suggestion. Maybe to seperate May and Be? I also see how you would prefer "bares" over "bare" in line 8. I will definately consider re-writing the last stanza. I kinda see where your coming from but till the muse finds me I'll have to live with what I've got. Thank you for your insight. I hope you don't take my response as hostile.
I value your opinion and look forward to more critiques from you.
You never saw this kinda thing happen when the Democrats were running the country.
"very Horrendous" is the same as horrendous, and why capitalize it. "I think much like Nothing About You" means something, but what?
From the last 3 lines, her son died as a baby. It's a moving picture as is, but, I'd have preferred to know this sooner.
Explaining a poem is like calling it a riddle. I prefer to glean what I can without explanation. You could title it "Child Abuse," since your title is redundant anyway. Using King James English detracts unless you are consistant. Grammetical problems in lines 5, 8, and line 3 of S2. Good use of the tic Overuse of the wrath of god, unless you do more with it than say it four times. A lot of criticism? Yeah, but I agree with what you're saying.
I could make it not just bigger, but overwhelming, or boring. Itâs hard to be entangled in a memory and say anything coherent about it. Thanks. âMore depressing than tragic,â yes, maybe because my going there, seeing the remains, closed a door that had remained ajar for years after any possibility of entry had departed.
Seems the poem is a metaphor for something lost.
If so here's my solution.
Do not the burning embers dwindle
In the light of thier own lives
(Yet)the oldest flames may still rekindle
This is how love survives
Let tragedy bind a family.
I give you an 8 'cause I don't get the "bone for rain" thing.
Very vivid images. Well written but could use a stanza dedicated to the beauty of what the place was, for the sake of contrast. Right now it's more depressing than tragic. This poem should be bigger. I feel there's a great story in there. Right now it's a great photograph
but I want the movie. 8 for now
S0-So.