| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
This path (Villanelle) by midnitebeauty101 This path I travel down is worn
The old leaves crunch beneath my feet
A new me will soon be born
I began my walk forlorn
Feeling lost and feeling beat
This path I travel down is worn
Late at night I would mourn
Looking out my window; down my street
I soon will be reborn
My heart gets tugged until it's torn
Without which I am not complete
This path I travel down is worn
The night leaves with promises sworn
I arise; the day I'm ready to meet
I soon will be reborn
It's a new day; a new morn
I'm ready for a new feat
For this path I travel down is worn
A new me will soon be born
Up the ladder:
it's okay to cry, idiot
Down the ladder:
A Usual Days Perspective
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: October 28, 2004 6:29 PM PDT; Last modified: October 28, 2004 6:29 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9403987 Overall Rank: 9102 Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.130.62.63
|
28-Oct-04/9:58 PM
|
Reply
S0-So.
Yes; the walk to the outhouse can be a terrible, lonely thing. Especially when you know you're going to do a whopper turd.
I like this better, a lot better if only because you've actually tried. You are still struggling with the form.
I tried shaping it up a little. It's a bit better this way I think: This path I travel down is worn old leaves are crunched beneath my feet A newer me would be reborn. My walk began. I was forlorn In feeling I was lost and beat. The path I traveled down was worn In the late nights I'd look out and mourn- Look out my window; down my street A newer me will be reborn. My heart gets tugged until it's torn Whose tearing makes me incomplete This path I travel down is worn. The night departs, its promise sworn And I arise for day is fleet. A newer me will be reborn With the new day whose newer morn Readies me for a newer feat. For this path I travel down is worn. A newer me must be reborn.
I don't sense much feeling in the poem, but I bet you have a lot more you could put into it?
147 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
