heartlessempath
replying on Only Me by heartlessempath
16 Jan 2005, 10:22 PM
Thank you for the feedback!
Actually, I wrote this in response to a book- In Country, by Bobbie Ann Mason. The book explores a young girl trying to find out who her father was, because he died in the Vietnam War before she was born. I started wondering what it was like for the men who came back, who didn't die, who had children and tried to cobble together some semblance of a life afterwards...
And "Only Me" because I am the only testament to his existence. His name isn't on a monument, he isn't "important" enough; all he has is a child who's forced to deal with the after effects of a war.
i know i have already posted about ur poem but i was just rereading it and i have to tell you that i really do love it is one of the best poems i have read in a very long time.........it is so well written
-mega
wow.......blows my mind..........this is so ultimately excellent............10!!!!!!
-mega
nice.................very simple yet elegant........like (to steal the examples above) a nicely crafted cabinet............lol..............
-mega
intersing.........
-mega
interesting.................
how bout a couple line breaks there?
An observation: in places you omit a word, apparently because it isn't needed - and I agree with that philosophy, but in others you pack in little extra ones as if you get paid by the letter (the first three words for starters, the on nearly every line, the first two or three.
Clean that crap out and it won't be so pants.
"Now you see," but how so? You imply consciousness after suicide death. Better to say the killer is gone and knows nothing. vote-7 only because it's well written.
Grammar!
an interesting idea, this. But I thinks it's a bit overdialoged - distracting.
And the warrior angle could be clarified too, prolly.
But really, a cool thing.
What a terrible father you must have! Quite well written and convincing. Too much punctuation. The title - why only you?
Despite being a suicide/death poem (something too often done and done badly) this has an unusual angle in that it's a post mortem - and I like that.
What I don't like is that there are opportunities missed for some potentially nice descriptive bits: night, fog, cemetary gates. Instead you just blurt them out like a noob.
Maybe loose the whole first stanza so the reader isn't immediately disappointed right off the bat.
toyanwood...
yikes.
They named Hollywood after what they thought was holly. It was not holly, but a look-alike, the toyan bush, which also has red berries at Christmas time. Hollywood's been a fake ever since. And use spellcheck!
I'm only laughing at myself, the fact that I have been in Katie's place and answered a man as she answered. The best thing about a poem is to find myself in it.
Actually.
More than it is for Hollywood. It's about kids who think their life is crap.
Fake Tragedies... tears on heads, sweating for ideas, on many heads. cult of fake shit. endless possibilities limited by wanting something less.
blurp.
Do you really think Hollywood is that fake?
I know I spell really bad. Thanks for helping me with my spelling.
nice.....i like the ham part..........and the theme is good.......though i feel you go on just a tad longer than what is most effectiv...........
-mega