Tintagiles
on My daddy taught me about being a good sport by horus8
18 Mar 2005, 6:47 PM
Ah, horus. I love the 'learning disability called nepotism' but the rest, I find, falls short of your usual standard. Ah well.
I feel I must inform you that isn't much of a twist. Lots of people have done it, dear.
'Is the Tao is the way'... How redundant.
...Sorry, my commentary was cut off. Let me continue, and please ignore the short comment above -- my computer is on the fritz.
The flowers bit is rather trite, as flowers tend to be. You could get rid of the "I cannot name the flowers" stanza, which lacks any outstanding material, and insert the "they were not enough" motiff that comes at the end elsewhere to form a smooth transition into the "There are not enough stages of grief" stanza that follows.
Also, finding the deceased's treasure-trove is trite: a picture frame, a marble, a shoe-string... it reads like a Hallmark card. Perhaps by inserting more personalized items, you can give the reader a better idea of the deceased's character, which you so loved.
It seems to me that if you were to pursue poetry further, you could begin to produce some really excellent material. Given the universality of the sentiments expressed in this poem, might I suggest your next poem, as a sort of exercise, focus on something more esoteric?
I particularly enjoyed the language and ideas in Flow and in the following excerpts:
"Sun finally closed in for the kill.... The sun shattered into prisms that splattered against the wall..."
"For fear of giving you enough peace to let go."
"The squeeze, the opposite of birth."
It would take up too much space were I to further examine this poem, but I'll make one last suggestion: as it really is an integrated whole -- integrate it. Get rid of the names to the subpoems, and give it an overall name. Once again, superb.
On second thought, keep "items." Its impersonality is appropriate for the following line.
A clearly-written, well-structured, and emotive poem. Very well done! You are quite justified in posting it as one poem: it is, after all, an integrated whole. The reverse chronology also adds psychological and emotional tension.
Still, the poem has difficulties. When the waitress and the owner are interacting, the waitress's presence seems unnecessary, for it's the owner who fetches the zinfandel: "Our friend disappeared into the darkness, rummaging..." Is the owner testing her knowledge of what he likes to drink?
The answer to your opening question seems to be "Happiness is confined and it is lonely," but the words are tangled and it's hard to tell.
I've liked your camping missives. I have memories like them. How about "unknowing trees" and "blackberry briars whisper sharp stings before sweet fruit" and "ember light"
I wanted to read your "what have you" but, as an American, I couldn't be arsed.
Rainbow_chaser
replying on A Plea To The Mother(Mother Earth) by Rainbow_chaser
18 Mar 2005, 7:17 AM
well let me just say this, Hallelujah. It a relief to see that atleast one other person can pull my meaning out of my poem. Thank you dovina for that. I am sorry if my wording seems to *muddle* the message im bringing across.
~Autumn
Yes, I do often think I know what a person means from the context of his or her statement, even when parts of the comment disagree with what I think they are saying. If I'm wrong, at least my reaction can stimulate a more precise wording of what they mean. It avoids being mean - telling them their words are stupid when their message is not.
D.I got the concept from a movie that me and Al-naafiysh was watching one night.
Thanks for your comment. My intent was to convey the sense of numb loss that I was feeling when I wrote this, hence the somewhat flat last line. The experience was like a pulled tooth, where the pain of the extraction is a memory, but it still feels wrong when your tounge flicks past the gap.
Fuck off please.
Thank you.
I thought this was good, right up until the last few lines.
ROFLMMFAO
you go girl. talk to the hand. kick em to the curb, and all that...
It is funny, though, how you have taken it upon yourself to rewrite her comment so that it might make some sort of dildo sense to an Oprah addict dangling from Dr. Phil's cock.
the loose, imprecise nature of her writing in this comment should have shown me that her exact words are not important...??
Please tell me you were joking when you wrote that.
Then you go on to tell me that she meant something other than what I read in some language approximating plain English, because you are so much better equipped than I am to decode her? Fucking laughable. Absolutely pathetic.
LOL. Nice dodge. If I am unable to make sense out of the parts, how can I determine what she is saying on the whole, short of making massive assumptions that may or may not be correct? How the fuck do you know what she means? Did she explain it to you privately? Are you one of those bible interpreters that changed "blessed are the poor" to "blessed are the poor in spirit"?
Hmmmmm.... awfully strange that you think she is right about something that YOU inserted into her comment. What are the chances?