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Memory (Free verse) by chocolate9009 I Remember
I remember
it was a hot sunny day.
the birds were chirping
the kids where running
Especially me,
It smelled like a party and sweet
treats
It taste like fresh air,
Then the whole thing just turned around.
It tasted like blood,
It smelt like rubber doctor gloves.
It looked like I donât know because
I couldnât see.
What had happened to me?
I was running I looked back and around
Skin and Blood fell to the ground.
Busted lip and jacked up face.
Brick wall brick wall I should've kept my pace.
Up the ladder:
Like A Rainbow
Down the ladder:
One Too Many
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Posted: March 17, 2005 5:13 PM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2005 5:13 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0596013 Overall Rank: 6747 Comments:
[n/a]
chocolate9009 @ 12.223.76.187
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17-Mar-05/5:13 PM
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Reply
i ran into a wall
I can see you ran into a wall without your saying so. And the spacing is just distracting. Other than that it's not bad.
ROFLMMFAO
Lose alot of the spacing, and give this a little bit of rewriting. Mainly the last line. "Brick wall, Brick wall, I should've kept my pace," would probably sit better as two lines, instead on one. -6-
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