The last line could be changed to get across a bigger sense of loss, at the moment it doesnt covey a deep sense of pain. Really good though first two lines really work.
Thanks for your comment. My intent was to convey the sense of numb loss that I was feeling when I wrote this, hence the somewhat flat last line. The experience was like a pulled tooth, where the pain of the extraction is a memory, but it still feels wrong when your tounge flicks past the gap.
4 comments
haiku shape but not dynamic
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