Rainbow_chaser
on Fat girls Who Wear Short Skirts During Winter Quarter by DurtKL
9 Mar 2005, 8:20 AM
well im not sure what to say here, its a well writen poem, hats off to that. can say im supper big on the shallowness i felt while reading this one tho.. i still say 8 for the lay out and poem.
~Autumn
ahh the world is over runn with heartlessness, a poem that holds a fraction of events that occur daily, and then others sit by and judge without understanding.
so sad.
~Autumn
Is it Dovina?
Utterly brilliant
Chubby_chaser
not bad, but i really enjoyed the last sentance. it really brought it togeather and gave it more meaning over all.
simple, and the title adds some piece of elegance to it; but it's something that's been said a million times, and likely precisely like this at least a dozen, just from the common-ness of the words going together in the manner you used. ((though google would say these words had not yet been inscribed in the collective consciousness of the internet))
p.s. relized -> realized
A good thought. Didn't move me as poetry, though.
I don't get what you're trying to convey, here. :/
Sweet, but the meter falls apart reducing its charm, and the repetition doesn't seem to have much point.
burger, fries, shake, should all be the las words in each stanza. Put THAT in your cherry pie.
Unless you're me in which case a stiff wind blew all my seeds out to sea and i'm just wilting now. Always good when you -ain't skeered. write more damnit.
I don't get the use of "portentously" here, though I like how it rolls. [[what portent does this state?]]
nor "a hot walk", which rolls less well repeated
piece doesn't gel for me, though I really like the individual bits not mentioned, individually.
the rhymes and rhythm jerk, for me.
doesn't quite fit my image of an ode: "The ode is written for an occasion or on a particular subject; it is somewhat lyrical and can be put to music, but often is merely lilting, hinting at a rhythm. It has some form of rhyme scheme and meter, nothing strict, nothing overly complicated."
As an ode, this is too much about "you", not enough about the subject.
Beyond that, this particular poem doesn't move me from the tried and trod path. Nothing memorable or thought-provoking, for me.
You can't even spell "arogant" right you shittle.
But don't worry, communists love to milk the slower herdlings.
While it's a sentiment that wouldn't hurt to cram into a daily "why am I?" session, this talked about the situation from outside of it too much; make me feel how this thought applies directly to your life--grip me with context, colors, sights, smells, tastes...
"Blow the man down, bullies, blow the man down;
Way ay - blow the man down,
O Blow the man down in Liverpool town.
Give me some time to blow the man down. "
Sorry, doesn't work for me.
I'll try to help once again. Your opener. The scribbles and dents made me think about the marks a pen leaves when it has no ink in it. invisible words. It's a great tool you've stumbled upon. wet it down and spin it up. no vote. yet.
I like the waves, but I don't really see it as snow, sucking or otherwise.
Cute, but not a pipe.