Welcome to the world! You must be five years old.

What's with the random words in quotation marks? Is that when you're meta-clicheing?

You feel "completely and truly" in a place of "false consciousness" and "mental hibernation"... hmm -- you seem unsure of what you're trying to say. But it seems you're talking about daydreaming versus reality, and since you're listening to "a someone's inspiration," we can perhaps surmise that you're talking about idealistic daydreaming elicited by art, conversation, etc., and I suppose your final sentence is about making the world more like the ideals you imagine. Yes, these sentiments are fine, but with poetry, you should often attach them to something concrete or else the whole poem becomes nebulous and difficult to relate to. (While this isn't a law etched in stone, it will be a particularly good exercise for improving the shortcomings demonstrated in this poem.) The concrete situation or object to which you attach your sentiments becomes the medium by which you examine those sentiments. (An example of a hackneyed medium would be a rose to examine love.)

I won't vote because I respect the church, but I'm used to better from you. MUCH BETTER. <3 Jason

You are boring me. V1L2 do you really mean to say, You are my weakness? I know I'm one to talk about cliches, but come one. Here is a rewrite just to give you Ideas. You're my tourniquet You're my medication You make my head spin merry go round dizzy You're everything I want You make my devils turn to dust You make the sky above sing a happy tune You make this cage into a castle You are everything I want The trick to not boring someone to tears is keeping them interested in what you are saying. -4- <3 Jason

Spell Check, Please. Verse 1 Line 2. Reread that. Actually, on second thought, reread before you post. Thats what the whole page to review before submission is all about. So that you can take a quick reread and catch the obivious spelling mistakes, i.e. "talkijg". Other than that, this is almost more of a blog post than a poem. Look me in the eye and tell me otherwise if I'm mistaken. "it's nice to think to yourself that either you know something wonderful that all else have missed" Minus the quotation marks, thats how those lines should be broke. <3 Jason

You have potential. -7-

"in the dust in my brain" please tell you you at least see the bad repetition? I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7- <3 Jason

This has classic written all over it(Damn you and your invisble ink). <3 Jason

Yeah, we're not likely to understand, especially considering this exact idea has been overdiscussed since Torah times.

موعقة انت؟

You misused "whence".

this is so beautiful

If you don't pray to St. Joseph, will he neglect to guide us through this time of transition?

Right now you're in the transitional phase between Judaism and Christianity. Keep reading the Bible, and keep praying. You'll get there in the end, and when you do you'll know what it means to be at One with Jesus. Thank you and God Bless.

your overwrought rhymes destroys what you might have had hear

this is very beautiful

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sappy or not, it works. have another

I'll try to get back to this one, first read ...7.5