| Re: Into My World by sliver |
dancin_n_da_moonlite 205.188.116.139 |
2-Apr-05/11:11 AM |
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| Re: Deep Thought by Dreammaker1024 |
James Rykelangeli 169.229.90.109 |
2-Apr-05/5:20 PM |
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You feel "completely and truly" in a place of "false consciousness" and "mental hibernation"... hmm -- you seem unsure of what you're trying to say. But it seems you're talking about daydreaming versus reality, and since you're listening to "a someone's inspiration," we can perhaps surmise that you're talking about idealistic daydreaming elicited by art, conversation, etc., and I suppose your final sentence is about making the world more like the ideals you imagine. Yes, these sentiments are fine, but with poetry, you should often attach them to something concrete or else the whole poem becomes nebulous and difficult to relate to. (While this isn't a law etched in stone, it will be a particularly good exercise for improving the shortcomings demonstrated in this poem.) The concrete situation or object to which you attach your sentiments becomes the medium by which you examine those sentiments. (An example of a hackneyed medium would be a rose to examine love.)
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| Re: Prayer For The Church by sliver |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/10:32 PM |
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I won't vote because I respect the church, but I'm used to better from you. MUCH BETTER.
<3 Jason
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| Re: Everything by RION12 |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/11:07 PM |
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You are boring me. V1L2 do you really mean to say, You are my weakness? I know I'm one to talk about cliches, but come one. Here is a rewrite just to give you Ideas.
You're my tourniquet
You're my medication
You make my head spin merry go round dizzy
You're everything I want
You make my devils turn to dust
You make the sky above sing a happy tune
You make this cage into a castle
You are everything I want
The trick to not boring someone to tears is keeping them interested in what you are saying. -4-
<3 Jason
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| Re: late night delirium by not_a_philosopher |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/11:25 PM |
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Spell Check, Please. Verse 1 Line 2. Reread that. Actually, on second thought, reread before you post. Thats what the whole page to review before submission is all about. So that you can take a quick reread and catch the obivious spelling mistakes, i.e. "talkijg".
Other than that, this is almost more of a blog post than a poem. Look me in the eye and tell me otherwise if I'm mistaken.
"it's nice to think to yourself
that either you know something wonderful
that all else have missed"
Minus the quotation marks, thats how those lines should be broke.
<3 Jason
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| Re: cacoon by whispern_smoke_wisp |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/11:31 PM |
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| Re: tumbleweed by crooked_smile |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/11:46 PM |
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"in the dust in my brain" please tell you you at least see the bad repetition?
I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7-
<3 Jason
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| Re: The High Hunt by horus8 |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.176 |
2-Apr-05/11:52 PM |
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This has classic written all over it(Damn you and your invisble ink).
<3 Jason
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| Re: late night delirium by not_a_philosopher |
zodiac 212.118.19.51 |
3-Apr-05/4:10 AM |
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Yeah, we're not likely to understand, especially considering this exact idea has been overdiscussed since Torah times.
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| Re: tumbleweed by crooked_smile |
zodiac 212.118.19.51 |
3-Apr-05/4:15 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.19.51 |
3-Apr-05/4:19 AM |
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What's with the random words in quotation marks? Is that when you're meta-clicheing?
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| Re: All About Me by chocolate9009 |
zodiac 212.118.19.51 |
3-Apr-05/4:20 AM |
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Welcome to the world! You must be five years old.
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| Re: He hit me over the head with a by T. Jonathron Remp |
zodiac 212.118.19.51 |
3-Apr-05/4:25 AM |
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| Re: Prayer For The Church by sliver |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.153.196.50 |
3-Apr-05/8:33 AM |
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If you don't pray to St. Joseph, will he neglect to guide us through this time of transition?
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| Re: late night delirium by not_a_philosopher |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.153.196.50 |
3-Apr-05/8:38 AM |
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Right now you're in the transitional phase between Judaism and Christianity. Keep reading the Bible, and keep praying. You'll get there in the end, and when you do you'll know what it means to be at One with Jesus. Thank you and God Bless.
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| Re: Tainted by necroscope7 |
not_a_philosopher 205.188.116.139 |
3-Apr-05/10:56 AM |
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your overwrought rhymes destroys what you might have had hear
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| Re: Note before work by poetandknowit |
not_a_philosopher 205.188.116.139 |
3-Apr-05/10:57 AM |
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| Re: Bottleneck by Cha no Onna |
the_poetess 205.188.116.139 |
3-Apr-05/11:12 AM |
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| Re: What I Exist For by Dovina |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.254 |
3-Apr-05/3:07 PM |
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sappy or not, it works. have another
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| Re: A Taste of Rose by Richard |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.254 |
3-Apr-05/3:20 PM |
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I'll try to get back to this one, first read ...7.5
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