Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222	richa 81.178.145.183	3-Apr-05/3:48 PM
It is not richly poetic and there are not many lines that turn me on, but it does skip along rather nicely. I do like the bit about astronomy and the repetition (not as the final line though). The narrators asides like 'there's nothing wrong with that' are cool. Not sure about the end though. To say that business makes men gods and purpose well-defined underestimates the subtleties of mans place in the world. In a word it is a little bit trite.
Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222	James Rykelangeli 169.229.90.109	3-Apr-05/4:42 PM
very strong. cute in its purposeful simplicity. well-structured. you should smooth out: "larger notebook then a smaller notebook/ then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook." Also, "It's safe" seems unnecessary after the very clever "monument to safety" several lines before. you might try switching the order of the surrounding lines to "you know/ There's nothing wrong with that." I think that flows more smoothly. also, poets' disparaging business is rather hackneyed; what if you instead ended with "in the universe/ you know?" I think that would be a very humorous contrast and round off fulfillingly the theme of a simpleton reasoning with weighty matters and ideas.
regarding some deleted poem...	francis nor capule 12.129.230.11	3-Apr-05/5:47 PM
two thumbs up!
regarding some deleted poem...	francis nor capule 12.129.230.11	3-Apr-05/5:50 PM
yep... you've got it alright...
regarding some deleted poem...	francis nor capule 12.129.230.11	3-Apr-05/6:11 PM
this left me breathless...
regarding some deleted poem...	francis nor capule 12.129.230.11	3-Apr-05/6:14 PM
splendid!
Re: another poem to a friend by that_funny_girl	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/6:27 PM
I hope he is reading. I really do. I had the misfortune of thinking you'd have improved and this was a rewrite. If your going to write, entertain the notion that anyone can read what you write(Not just your Aim Buddy). I'm hate giving out zeros, because I know I'm not a big fan of recieving them, but not only is this an improperly tagged pimple, you actually call it a poem(Once in the title and then once again in the body). Let me ask you, what do you think a poem is? Random line breaks and the outpouring of every thought inside your head over one subject? The closest this got to being a poem was your talk of mask and shades, but it doesn't out weigh the rest of this bulk. Not to mention its poorly done. *The Most Cliche Advice Ever* Don't preach about your feelings Paint them so that others can see them <3 Jason
Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/6:38 PM
Line 3, some ....'s after just would probably make it work better(I didn't like how 3 flows to 4 really). Do something other than end 3 on just. I like how this aside sounds like something I could imagine myself saying to one of my buddies on a car ride home. -8- <3 Jason
Re: Vietnam by the_poetess	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/6:58 PM
Vietnam and Fairies? Are you mad? -4- Stick with the things within your sphere of knowledge and ability, until your better practiced in both. This looks like a failed attempt to explain your thoughts and feeling over something, you don't know enough about, in a form, you don't know enough about. <3 Jason
Re: A Taste of Rose by Richard	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/7:01 PM
Roses are done to death, but this is well written. -8-
Re: that woman by i_am_the_popsicle	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/7:02 PM
"what will she do" Other than that. Not Bad. -7-
Re: Poem on a face by INTRANSIT	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/7:05 PM
Its "Goatee". -6-
regarding some deleted poem...	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.70	3-Apr-05/7:15 PM
"I may never know." After that line, if you lined up the first word with its corresponding line above, it would circle back and add a the nice effect of a half circle(as in something that has an ending in sight, but is only halfway towards its finish). -9-
Re: Between Yesterday and Tomorrow by thepinkbunnyofdoom	blindwriter 219.47.92.54	3-Apr-05/11:06 PM
Well-devised. Very steady. Three thumbs up.
Re: untitled by darby pyn	blindwriter 219.47.92.54	3-Apr-05/11:06 PM
genius.
Re: Buried at Sea by brazen	blindwriter 219.47.92.54	3-Apr-05/11:08 PM
*heel *fleeting Wandering...choppy... But concise and full of yummy imagery.
Re: Road to Recovery by thepinkbunnyofdoom	blindwriter 219.47.92.54	3-Apr-05/11:12 PM
i only like the ending. the rest is cliche after cliche. there's a bit here and there but not enough to stand out. not bad or anything...just mediocre.
Re: Listless Nights by blindwriter	James Rykelangeli 169.229.90.109	3-Apr-05/11:37 PM
your poetic style (I speak after reviewing your other poems as well) is so turbid that it's impossible for the reader to determine what you're trying to say. i attribute your difficulties communicating clearly to your overriding preference for wording (for which you seem to have talent.) but that talent is completely wasted when it's used improperly, as it is here. you must concentrate -- ferociously -- on clarity and structure. as an exercise, write several rudimentary poems disregarding wording altogether and only work on what you're trying to communicate: what scene, what sentiments? in combating a turbid style, avoid grandiose subject matter and generalities. fix your poetry upon something concrete with which you are familiar, and let it be the medium by which you work. after you've written your rudimentary poems, try reintroducing the wording, but never throw in pretty words for their sake alone: each word must be carefully selected in terms of poetic effect and, once again, clarity. then your talent for wording will be tied together with a strong structure. i wish you the best.
Re: Listless Nights by blindwriter	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.29	4-Apr-05/12:15 AM
I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say. Striking Visuals, but special effects should merely be highlights, not a movie in and of itself. -8- for stunning images. <3 Jason
regarding some deleted poem...	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.29	4-Apr-05/12:25 AM
"A tiny rabbit chases a big, red fox," LOL. -10-